Monday's Meatloaf - some movie fruitcake

Yesterday the girls braved the icy grip that was NE Georgia to go shopping, so I was left alone. And since the NFL offerings were as thin as the turkey carcass in the trashcan, I decided to watch a movie. I grabbed a hunk of fruitcake, a favorable beverage and Clark Griswold's station wagon was the first thing to jump out of the Netflix queue.

FrahGeeLay! Must
be Italian.

Which got me thinking, what're my favorite Holiday movies? Google provided this list, which I quickly rearranged into this top three: A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation and A Charlie Brown Christmas. Others receiving votes: The Polar Express and Elf.


Many will find the absence of classics like Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life appalling. But I'm just drawn to comedy. And for the fruit in my cake you just can't beat Ralphie in a rabbit suit...or the soft glow of electric sex, gleaming in the window.


And as far as that Frank Wilkins list linked above, I don't mind him intermixing some films that aren't about the Holidays but have them as a backdrop to the plot. But if you're going to include King Kong, how can you not do the same for John McClane's epic struggle against Hans Gruber in Die Hard?


Perhaps I'm overthinking things. But that's what we get when the wife leaves me Home Alone with Google and Netflix.

Today's Ingredients

• Weiszer confirms that Caleb King, along with AJ Harmon and Derek Owens will miss the Liberty Bowl game due to academic reasons.
• Gentry Estes fourth installment of his 2011 player preview was a bit of a surprise; some high praise for Michael Bennett. In related linkage, Weiszer also runs down the 2010 class' impact.
• Big Muddy is ready to welcome the Dawgs in Memphis. But also isn't above taking a shot at the engiNerds.
• T Kyle has a thorough walk through of the Liberty Bowl, and predicts a pretty close game.
• Speaking of bowls, for those of you participating in the Festivus Bowl Mania...the feats of strength is about to begin. Kruger...pass the flask.
• Groo constructs his own Dawgs of the Decade, and finds a talent rich pool to choose from.
• Nice throw yesterday by MoMass in Cleveland's loss to the Ravens.
• After already losing four players to academics for tonight's bowl game against Air Force, Tech will be without a few more who missed curfew.
• Could the Dread Pirate Leach end up just dusting his spurs...in Stillwater? What a let down that would be.
• Does Muschomp have his new DC in transit? If so, will James Willis bring his 116th ranked swerve with him?
• A guy named Tab really turned the Buckeyes' Christmas sideways Saturday with this <quote> article <unquote>.
• Mike Singletary was fired by the 49ers. I guess he really never was wearing the pants. 
• And lastly, if you're on the Twitter you can now follow Darren the Intern. And once Willard returns from his annual Tijuana Christmas Vacation...well, we'll see.

Feliz Navidad. Pase el PBR.

Maybe you're thinking a movie like A Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation isn't pious enough, or has too much color. I guess you're right in some way. But that doesn't mean they don't have a message fitting for the season. 

Christmas Wish List: a pool of egg nog

I mean, who hasn't had a Christmas wrought with work-related tension that is compounded by family dishevelment, eventually ending in an all out rant:

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood- (kicks box) sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d**kless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s**t he is! 

Hallelujah! Holy s**t! Where's the Tylenol? 

In the end, we've all had a Christmas where we shot our eye out. And we all have a little Griswold in us. Here's your fork Reader. And the Tylenol's extra-strength.

Bernie 

Casual Friday - Willard Gets Schatty

Willard flew out to Bristol last week to sit down with ESPNs biggest schadenfraude, Joe. Unfortunately news quickly began to break that Texas had Dan Beebe’s danglies in a vice and Mr. Schad had to postpone while he tweeted worthless drivel and updated his profile at Match dot com. Meanwhile Willard, ever the resourceful journalist, settled into a Motel 6 with the BDB American Express. Four suitcases of Natty Light later, he met Schad by the motel’s pool, pushed the correct button on the digital recorder and let his brilliance erupt...one belch at a time.

------------------------------------------------------------

Willard – Joseph Schat! I can count the number of Texas regents who have you on speed (URRRRRPP!!) dial on less than one finger. That local Longhorn reporter fella made you his lil feathered beeatch didn’t he?

Schad – I stand by my sources.

Willard – Yeh. People magazine called…they’d like em back. BWAHAHAHA!! You see what I did there Schat?

Schad – It’s SchaDuh. I’d appreciate some respect. My cubicle’s on the same floor as Herbstreit’s.

Willard – Sure thing kid. Tell Herbie Mitch Davis said Boo! (awkward pause in between gulps…) Nevermind Schat. That was before you were born. I read where you (BBBUUUURRRRRPP!!) …where you began your journalism career in high school.

Schad – Yes, I was the Sword of Truth’s chief editor my sophomore and junior year.

Willard – Why not your senior year? Get caught trading ink with the Op-Ed hottie? I hear she wore Jerusalem cruisers and didn’t shave her pits.

Schad – No. Alex Weinstein outscooped me on the cafeteria’s switch from chicken nuggets to tenders.

Willard – (spewing hops amid furious laughter) Wha?....Heh…Ho! So you’re just biding time up here in Sportsnerdville until they give you the lifetime achievement award.  Does Kuselias like his coffee with sugar?

Schad – Only on Mondays.

Willard –One last question for our readers Schat. Will Joe Cox start this Saturday?

Schad – This interview’s so over.

Willard – BWAHAHAHA! Can I quote you on that Schat? BWAHAHAHA!! (watches Bristol’s baby storm off…) Tell Kiper he’s a douche!

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Another Willard interview cut short, another epic win. Tune in next time when we fly BDBs own Mike Wallace out to sunny Cali to reunite with his good buddy KiffyBaby. Until then, look out for empty cans.

Terence Moore, On the Record...with Willard

Never one to shy away from any type of attention, Terence Moore agreed to sit down with our very own Willard...albeit under the guise of wanting to learn more about developing the craft of writing. Dressed to the nines in a Ken Griffey Jr Mariners jersey, a brightly feathered cap and flip-flops, Moore seemed at ease, relaxed.

At least until Willard opened his mouth.

Willard - Hey Terry. How's it been since the AJC dropped you instead of the white guys?


Moore - I'm not sure I catch your meaning.


Willard - UUUUURRRRRP!! You know....ya got canned Terry.


Moore - I...uh...I...


Willard - Meanwhile Mark and Jeff and Tim and Chip...they're still tapping away on those typewriters. For what it's worth, I disliked your columns only (GULP!) marginally less than theirs....


Moore - Wait...hold on now. I'm now an adjunct media personality for ESPN. It was a shift in career I eagerly embraced....Is that a beer in your koozie?


Willard - Whoa!....no hugs Terry. UUUUURRRRRP!! This is strictttly pluh...pla...pluhtahh...we're just talkin' here dude. And yes....ya like my limited edition camo NRA beer colder thingamajig?


Moore - Look! I don't know who you are or what you're up to, but...


Willard - Simmer down Chief. How 'bout thiiiiis one....Any truth to the actual fact that Mike Campo drove you to run screaming from the building?


Moore - You really need to check your facts son. I retired from writing...


Willard - That's rich ya VickPimp. You tellin' me to fact check. You may have retired (Willard clumsily uses finger quotes)... UUUUURRRRRP!!...from writing. But you quit fact checking about the time the Jeffersons were moving on up. (awkward moment lengthened by an uncomfortable silence) You want a Natty Ice Terry? Helps me find my words...


Moore - No thanks. And off the record, Michael still owes me a dinner.

Willard - BWAHAHAHA!! UUUUURRRRRP!!....if the dog killa owes you a dinner, Griffey will have to work until Obama's daughter is elected to pay you back for all that ink. Not to mention David Justice.


Moore - This interview has nothing to do my craft as a writer does it? You're not interested...


Willard - No Terry. But it has EVERYTHING to do with your crap as a writer.

Moore - We're done here. You have a good day sir.


Willard - You too Craptastic! And Bernie says Happy Mike Campo Day! UUUUURRRRRP!!




Well, that went about as expected. Thanks to Willard. Your coupon for beef jerky is in the mail.

Monday's Meatloaf - admittedly raw

Aggies are (BLEEP!)... uuurrrrrrpp! Plass the Pabuhst.

Today's Ingredients

• When I say I love bowl season, understand that I realize it doesn't produce a true national champion. But would a playoff? I think no. And Senator raises some interesting points.
• The only bigger farce than a working Congress is the BCS.  But until I see a solution that is truly solving something...count me among the traditional fans that really digs bowls.
• AJ Green found something more painful than a sprained shoulder...watching from the sidelines.
• Jimbo Fisher has yet to (officially) coach his first game as the head man. Yet, he already can pay for 180,000 lap dances.
• A USC Trojan under investigation of obtaining extra benefits. Color me shocked!! 
• Will Bob Stoops leave Norman for Big D?
• Great win for Coach Mark Fox's Dawgs Saturday night at Gwinnett Arena against the Fightin' Illini. So great in fact, that Legge wonders if it might end up being his Hobnail Boot.
• It appears as if Clemson's S DeAndre McDaniel is leaning toward returning for his senior season. It is widely believed that Reshad Jones will leave early, especially since he was talked back in the door last year. Currently, Kiper has McDaniel just ahead of Jones on his Top Juniors list.

Sorry Reader. Bernie left it ready to cook and Willard in charge. But you get what you pay for.

Hope your week is short and very merry!

Darren the Intern

Locker Notes for the Swamp Thugs

Turns out Willard was only able to get a couple of these put up before someone saw right through his disguise, an orange jumpsuit with Alachua County Corrections scribbled on the back with a black sharpie.

Who knew they actually had to stitch the lettering on all of those...?? Just hope they can read Willard's hand"writing". He'd had a few...

• Brandon Spikes - Whether it was Knowshon Jr givin' your boy the facial or playing without a properly attached helmet that got your panties in a wad...the way I see it you got two options: sprout a pair or go ahead and complete the sex change Pusqualee.
• URRRPPP!!
• Corch - You remind me of my third grade teacher Miss Wretched. Loose morals, bad hair and possessor of a signed contract with Lucifer Von Beelzebub. 'Cept she didn't sleep with Commish Slive to gain credibility. Did your Heisman Honey snip you too?
• Tebow - Judging from your comments...I think you're taking an eye for an eye too literally Sleezbow. The jort wearin' inbreds could use better leadership.
• Brandon James - I've seen peewees that coulda caught that ball and scored. URRRPP! Hope the shat stains came outta your britches.

The good news is when Willard stopped on the way out to relieve himself of extra weight near the Kleenex Memorial, he found a pair of jorts and a wifebeater. So if you have any of these you'd like to add, I might be able to get him to take one for the team and infiltrate the lizards' den again.

Sauced and Lost...in Texas

Just before SEC Media Days back in July, things were kinda busy. So I employed some more help to cover all the bases as it were. The ad on craigslist only ran a day before I had my guy - Willard. He's a poster boy for a NattyIce ad and is only wanted in 11 states for various misdemeanors and failures to appear.

Yeh...he was the only warm body to apply. However, Willard provided these nuggets from some SEC celebrities...then his trip to Hoover took a turn for the worse after his epic interview with KiffyBaby.

Since late July, a judge has intervened and Willard is officially a free man. Darren the Intern outfitted the boy genius with all the needed electronic gear to conduct a successful interview with LSUs own Coach Miles, then helped load the camper up with NattyIce and pork n' beans.

Willard was on his way to Baton Rouge!

But as is usual with employees whose IQs rival their shoe sizes, there was a slip up. Evidently, the camper's auto-pilot didn't engage and when Willard fell asleep on I-10 West somewhere near the AL/LA border...well, my endearing dumbass is drunk and in southeast Texas.

So we're audibling at the line of scrimmage and gonna try a conference call. If the Hat actually picks up the phone it'll be a miracle.

Once again I'm reminded that you get what you pay for. Come to think of it, Willard's a lot like Natural Ice itself - despite the poor taste, just enough of him always equals a good time.

Just hope he makes it back by Saturday. But given his luck with motorized vehicles and the Eisenhower Interstate System, I'm not real hopeful.

Monday's Meatloaf - Wringing It Out

Saturday night the win matched the environment, ugly. Real ugly. I would ask you Reader to explain to me exactly how we're winning ball games by turning it over 3 times a game...but chances are you are at as great a loss as I am.

Meanwhile, there's nothing more you can say about Adriel Jeremiah Green that hasn't been said. And repeated. The Dawg receiver and hero extraordinaire should garner some serious Heisman hype. Like immediately. Of course, lowly fans like us don't make those decisions.

AJs QB (I thought) didn't look very good. In fact I was thinking he had regressed until I read Stuff's take on the game yesterday. Cox is what he is: a good QB that needs a strong running game as a compliment. He's gonna have games where things are slowed down and the decisions are easy to make.

Saturday was not one of those games. In fact, the two interceptions weren't even his worse throws. But he has the country's best receiver and a corps of other receivers that are really doing their part. If Samuel or King would catch fire and the offensive line would force the issue, I can still see Cox as a potential All SEC by season's end.

Today's Ingredients

• Normally I would agree with the decision to go for it on 4th and 2 with 10 to play. But our line was getting abused by an ASU d-line I vastly underrated.
• Searels O-line continues to amaze, in a not so good way. Back to back false starts...are ya kiddin' me? The play's on 1...2...or 3. I'm sure it can't be simplified any further.
• But the bonehead awards for the night are clearly due for the refs. I thought they'd made their worst call when they robbed AJ of his 2nd TD in the 4th. Then they completely ignored the face mask on King at the end that would've made the winning FG a chip shot.
• Martinez substituted a lot. But I didn't understand pulling Rambo out on the series after his INT. Regardless, the redshirt freshman may have indeed unseated the senior Evans as the starter.
• Branden Smith played a lot. Obviously the kid is earning the coaches' trust.
• The Great and never late Hale gives us CMRs teleconference notes from last night. And I like that the ABH added a true freshman to its Players of the Game.
• Some other analysis from the blogosphere: Rex adds his unique perspective as always, Kim weighs in on another close win, Quinton has a look behind and ahead, and Senator Blutarsky bases his pontifications off of another Fifth Quarter Show comment.
• Kudos to the students Saturday night who braved the elements in a first come first served kinda way. Munson especially would be proud.
• Super pleased to announce that BDB has landed an interview with the Hat hisself. The judge has dismissed the case against our own Willard just in time for him to cross state lines once again. So he has loaded up his camper and is somewhere in south Alabama as I type. Stay tuned. I'm sure he's sauced.
• Have to give a shout-out to David. He braved the crappy weather last November with me only to see a second half melt down to Tech. If we'd have lost Saturday, I'd of never given him a ticket again. : )
• Lastly, big shout-out to the local law enforcement Saturday night. Since my seat was drenched, I spent sometime on the concourse before kickoff like everyone else and their brother. All the ponchos and rain gear sure makes securing the stadium extra difficult. I appreciate their diligence and took a moment to tell them so. Hope you did as well.

Brought back memories. In 1998, Ole Miss came to town for a night game. It was cold and it rained throughout. What was worse, my cohorts deserted me. Even my lovely lady.

But it always amazes me that even when the weather map is as colorful as a Christmas tree and you're soaked to the core...a night in Athens watching the Dawgs is an unbelievable experience. Now, I realize it could never rain in Tempe like it did here Saturday night. But if it did, that House of Heat would be empty.

And I don't know where you stand on the progress of this team at this point in the season. And I'm sure you're like me and get pretty frustrated...like any good SEC fan worth his (or her...) weight in cold beer. But take a moment to be thankful that you support a team whose fanbase has blood that runs so deep that they would brave the elements just to bark like hell.

We won that game back in '98, 24-17. I remember running down River Road back to my truck after it was over, cranking it up and just sitting there with the heat blasting full force...waiting for the feeling to come back to my toes.

And smiling...wide. Now go have yourself a Monday Reader. Let's try and stay dry this week.

Bernie

**All photos courtesy of Athens Banner-Herald**

A Confederacy of Dunces

I've just dispatched the intern to Tuscaloosa. Seems my new freelance writer Willard needs to be bounced from the county pokey after a pretty big bender to close out Media Days. Not sure how he ended up in Tuskieloosie, but smart money is on Darth Saban. I had no idea about the existing restraining order when I contracted the guy.

But...he's kinda grown on me, so I feel it the nice thing to do to provide the means for his release. Hope those rusty bolt cutters and a MagLite flashlight are enough for Darren to get the job done.

Back to the bidness in Hoover. If Thursday's parade of Richt, Corch, Saban and the blessed one was the headliner for this year's session....Friday was the third act in a two act play.

Luckily, Willard caught up with KiffyBaby before naptime...and before Alabama State Troopers confiscated the remaining, singular Natty Ice in the suitcase.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(URRRRRP!) Leonard Kiffins, too the hell bad Peyton left campus without (gulp...) any eligibility. BWAHAHAHA!! Can Eric frickin' Berry play QB?

This booster seat is sticky.

Yeh...yur pops spilled his Metamucil all over it. Sprout a pair and sit up straight! This woooonnn...it won't take long... First qwesshun, you and Slurbie, cage match...who wins?

You know I'd drop that punk like I did Al Davis after the presser in LA when he...

Hey Wild Boy....there's Mr. Sleeeeeve!

Ah! I mean...Ahem! I really respect what he's doing in Pahokee...

Pahokee?? Calm down Calm down...you gonna pop a pimple. Just chankin' yur yain. Does the Full Monte make you pump the gas when he carries (BEEELLCCHH!) yur ass to work?

No. He drives a two seater Miata. Layla rides shotgun.

BWAHAHAHA!!! So you ride your Schwinn. Does your spine fit in the lil basket?

No...mom takes me.

Of course, Mama. The plot kiffins. Did she tie that pretty urranjah tie too?

No. It clips.

Nancy Boy....Say, does OrgyRon scare yu a lil' (guuurrp!) bit?

A little. But he's been real nice to me. Let's me ride on the back of his moped to the practice field.

Crapnockers! You need to live a little Kiffy. Shotgun this Natty Ice and then go yell in Saban's ear "WARHAWKS kick ass!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I guess the rest will be a matter of public record when America's Most Wanted catches wind of the story. Turns out Satan's gift to college football can take some ribbing about getting schalack'd by the Utes in the SuperDome, but a gentle reminder of the win in Tuskieloosie that brings a smile to all Louisiana-Monroe fans, AwwBarn farmers and HillBilly "alums"...is out of bounds.

Live and learn Willard. Not everyone can be the Great Hale.

Willard Meets Gainseville's Gawd

Hello Reeder. Willard here, live from Hoover. While the boss gets the little lady on her plane to the spa and the kiddies to their grandparents, I've been told to provide something a little more better than yesterday.

Afterall, Bernie's not paying me $4 a day to eat smoked pig. So here's some tasty bites from Thursday's podium action.

Mike Slive

Mr. Sleeve, can you comment on the fact that Corch Meyer cheets as much as Bill Clinton playing Twister at Hef's house?

Who the hell are you? You smell like High Life and vinegar.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg.

Tell Bernie his one credential has been revoked.

Mark Richt

Coach! How many yards will Knowshon run for this year?

Who the heck are you? You smell like Dreamland dumped it's trash on you....and vinegar.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg.

Oh, the guy from the Meet and Greet. Tell him his blog is awesome. Inaccurate and full of slander, but awesome.

Cool! I will. And tell Stafford that keg stand was inspirational.

Buddy...Knowshon and Stafford are pros now.

You got that right coach!! GATA!!

Nick Saban

(urp!) Mr. Saban...can you tell me where the hospitality room is? I'm lost.

Remember the restraining order kid...

Yes sir.

Corch Meyer

(gulp!....BURP!!!) Slurban! Heard you're moving to Indiana.

Who the hell are you? You smell like my freshmen players' dormitory.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg. He says you suck harder than this city.

I don't have time to read the internet...you know, between all the bail bonding.

Well...one quick question: how does it feel to finally have two balls?

(inaudible)

the Virgin Circumciser

(BELCH!...gulp!....urp!) Timoffee...need a tissue?

I'm sorry sir. Did I step on you?

No! You sissy. I heard you cryin' after your trip to tha po...tha podee...uh, the microphone. Thought your pansy ass might need a Kleenex.

If you don't mind me asking, who are you? You smell like my defensive secondary on a Sunday morning as I step over them on the way to church.

My name's WILLARD dammit! Can't anybody read a dern creden...credennn...nametag thingie? You need a square of TP or not?

Yes sir. Thank you. (sniff, sniff)

Geez...making me late fuuuuurrrrr happy hour. (knocks kneeling, praying "QB" to floor as he passes) That's from Rennie, beeatch!

Whew! That's good stuff. Sorry if my spellchecker didn't work. All these lil' buttons...plus, I keep dropping Bernie's bidness compoo...compuu...fancy typewriter.

Well, better go get in line for the buffet. If anyone sees the big guy, tell him Western Union has no record of the transfer. And they don't sell Natty Ice suitcases either.

Live from Hoover!!

SEC Media Days are under way. It's the three days in college football when the rest of the posers stand by in awe of our fat-ass wallets and penchant for pizzazz. There are over a thousand media writers in Alabama all wondering the same thing: why can't this big time conference have the shindig in the 20th century?

Meanwhile the Athletically Challenged Conference will have almost enough writers at their Media Days to field a hockey team.

Very proud to announce that my modest blawg has scrapped together enough coin to hire a freelance writer to cover the event for you Reader. I interviewed two mostly qualified candidates and am pleased to introduce you to Willard. He can't spell a lick, but he didn't want $25 per diem like the other guy.

Plus he knew that you didn't have to spend over $15 to get a decent suitcase of beer. Should fit right in here at BDB. Let's check in with him now.

Willard, how are things in Hoover?

Good Bernie. Lots of BBQ. Although I just remembered I forgot to pack the TUMS.

Well...ok. What has been the story of the day?

Big one there boss - someone evidently didn't vote for Danny Wuerffel and no one can figger out who.

Ahh..you mean Slurban's Shotgun Slut, Crocodile Tears Teblow. Wuerffel graduated over a decade ago. Well, lots of coaching changes this season. Have you lined up any interviews for our Reader?

Yessirree. Got the guy everyone is wanting to talk to, new South Carolina O-line coach Eric Wolford.

Willard! No one cares about the O-line in Chickumbia! Plus I didn't think SC was on tap until Friday. Is Spurrier even bringing this guy Wolford?

I'll check on that right after the breakfast buffet tomorrow boss. Gotta run..those Orlando-Sentinel guys are gettin' into my beer...

Ok, thanks Willard. We'll check back in tomorrow as the big boys roll into town.

Well Reader. Don't know that it'll be what I envisioned, but it sounds like our coverage of Media Days will be interesting. For a more (AHEM!!) accurate wrapup, try Hale.