A Confederacy of Dunces

I've just dispatched the intern to Tuscaloosa. Seems my new freelance writer Willard needs to be bounced from the county pokey after a pretty big bender to close out Media Days. Not sure how he ended up in Tuskieloosie, but smart money is on Darth Saban. I had no idea about the existing restraining order when I contracted the guy.

But...he's kinda grown on me, so I feel it the nice thing to do to provide the means for his release. Hope those rusty bolt cutters and a MagLite flashlight are enough for Darren to get the job done.

Back to the bidness in Hoover. If Thursday's parade of Richt, Corch, Saban and the blessed one was the headliner for this year's session....Friday was the third act in a two act play.

Luckily, Willard caught up with KiffyBaby before naptime...and before Alabama State Troopers confiscated the remaining, singular Natty Ice in the suitcase.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(URRRRRP!) Leonard Kiffins, too the hell bad Peyton left campus without (gulp...) any eligibility. BWAHAHAHA!! Can Eric frickin' Berry play QB?

This booster seat is sticky.

Yeh...yur pops spilled his Metamucil all over it. Sprout a pair and sit up straight! This woooonnn...it won't take long... First qwesshun, you and Slurbie, cage match...who wins?

You know I'd drop that punk like I did Al Davis after the presser in LA when he...

Hey Wild Boy....there's Mr. Sleeeeeve!

Ah! I mean...Ahem! I really respect what he's doing in Pahokee...

Pahokee?? Calm down Calm down...you gonna pop a pimple. Just chankin' yur yain. Does the Full Monte make you pump the gas when he carries (BEEELLCCHH!) yur ass to work?

No. He drives a two seater Miata. Layla rides shotgun.

BWAHAHAHA!!! So you ride your Schwinn. Does your spine fit in the lil basket?

No...mom takes me.

Of course, Mama. The plot kiffins. Did she tie that pretty urranjah tie too?

No. It clips.

Nancy Boy....Say, does OrgyRon scare yu a lil' (guuurrp!) bit?

A little. But he's been real nice to me. Let's me ride on the back of his moped to the practice field.

Crapnockers! You need to live a little Kiffy. Shotgun this Natty Ice and then go yell in Saban's ear "WARHAWKS kick ass!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I guess the rest will be a matter of public record when America's Most Wanted catches wind of the story. Turns out Satan's gift to college football can take some ribbing about getting schalack'd by the Utes in the SuperDome, but a gentle reminder of the win in Tuskieloosie that brings a smile to all Louisiana-Monroe fans, AwwBarn farmers and HillBilly "alums"...is out of bounds.

Live and learn Willard. Not everyone can be the Great Hale.

Carvin' Up Carver

God knows I've made my share of mistakes. I even went so far as to outline all ten of them HERE during the whole Ol' Willie's Gonna GO!! brouhaha.

But if there's a silver lining to this Carver HS crapfest it is that Coach Richt is obviously human. He too, Brute....flubs up. He's forever been painted as this goody-two-shoes choir boy. I love it when a player comes out in dispute, saying you should hear the guy behind closed doors after a missed assignment. Or when he tells Trinton Sturdivant to shake that seemingly motorized moneymaker in front of Slurban's quizzical stare.

Classic!

To sum up, CMRs staff pulled back a verbal. It wasn't a solid in early February, a verbal in July. They realized they were running short suddenly and didn't have room on the bus. It was the kid's coach that took it to a different level. (That's my opinion. It's also my blawg.) I'm just pleased our state's rockstar continued to take the high road, despite the threats of Muscogee exhile.

Afterall, word has it when faced with being cleft from Pahokee, KiffyBaby tantrum'd up a turnip truck. Nonetheless, for better summations try Exhile, PWD, Rex, Senator.

I'll just say this...to err is human. To act like an asshat is reptilian.

Friday Feedbag

• Apologies to any Reader who has been offended by freelance writer (emphasis on free) Willard's coverage of SEC Media Days the past couple days. Between outpatient procedures and other family obligations, my attendance at the journalistic orgy in Hoover was impossible. I've learned you get what you pay for...or in this case, what you deceive.
• Speaking of the mania in Hoover, Bubba N Earl have crafted a useful way to imbibe the monotonous mound of mularkey forced on us this week. Better get a refill before you head over though.
• Meanwhile MikeInValdosta considers it all a classic bored game.
• The days and times for the first three weeks of SEC tackle football were announced at the commencement of HooverMania. Jensen has em set up, so crank up those PDAs you crackberries.
• I cannot begin to link all the incredible stuff Hale has up. You can use this link to check out his SEC ballot made public. But don't stop there....he has videos, quotes and interviews galore. It may actually be enough to tide you over until two-a-days.
• Reading Jeff Schultz's piece on the lower expectations in '09 assures me that CMR is just as tired of the taste that lingers from last season's meals as you, me and every other Dawg who's been countlessly accosted by insects this off-season.
• Carver-Columbus Gate aside, the biggest recruiting news of the week was the commit of TJ Stripling. My words cannot possibly come close to describing the impact this kid could make...so I'll let Legend take the reins.
• Jeff Owens' '08 injury may keep him off some pre-season All-SEC lists, but his community service is being recognized well. The defensive tackle has been named to the All-State/AFCA Good Works Team. I'm at a loss to come up with one word to describe the guy. Somewhere between amazing and awe-inspiring.
• Finally, and for something non-football related to ensure we don't implode from the sudden wealth of data suggesting that the gridiron is indeed coming back...soon. Check out Allen's Assessments. A blog to getcha thinking, questioning...for better or worse. I find it's usually for the better. Plus he's a fellow Jaguar alum, was TrT's 2nd episode's winner and is a former Redcoat. Quite the resume if you ask me.

Speaking of Thursdays R Trivial....(drum roll...)

Congrats to @Ludakit as the winner of the 4th episode. He correctly identified the South Terminal of Atlanta's Hartsfield International in a twitpic yesterday to thoroughly dominate the category of Where He B? In related news, Bernie's wife is away...far away...at a spa...no doubt missing her husband.....and the kids I'm sure.

You can check out Ludakit's Dawg-gone Blog here, where no doubt he will be sporting a relaxing cucumber wrap and a swanky new robe from the Ritz in Scotsdale. (If I have any readers who work for Ritz International....stop laughing!...it could happen...you may consider that creative license. No robes were absconded with the publishing of this post.) In fact, I mentioned Schultz's article on expectations above. Kit's piece on the differences in this off-season and last is a MUST read.

And now that you have your homework Reader, get back to work...or your girlfriend...or the yard work...or just get. But come back sometime tomorrow when Willard's due back with a final Media Days installment. Knutsville's BoyWonder takes the mic today. And we all know what happens when you put a mic in front of that mouth....

It's the sole reason blogs were invented. Stay thirsty my friends. Enjoy the weekend.

Bernie

Willard Meets Gainseville's Gawd

Hello Reeder. Willard here, live from Hoover. While the boss gets the little lady on her plane to the spa and the kiddies to their grandparents, I've been told to provide something a little more better than yesterday.

Afterall, Bernie's not paying me $4 a day to eat smoked pig. So here's some tasty bites from Thursday's podium action.

Mike Slive

Mr. Sleeve, can you comment on the fact that Corch Meyer cheets as much as Bill Clinton playing Twister at Hef's house?

Who the hell are you? You smell like High Life and vinegar.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg.

Tell Bernie his one credential has been revoked.

Mark Richt

Coach! How many yards will Knowshon run for this year?

Who the heck are you? You smell like Dreamland dumped it's trash on you....and vinegar.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg.

Oh, the guy from the Meet and Greet. Tell him his blog is awesome. Inaccurate and full of slander, but awesome.

Cool! I will. And tell Stafford that keg stand was inspirational.

Buddy...Knowshon and Stafford are pros now.

You got that right coach!! GATA!!

Nick Saban

(urp!) Mr. Saban...can you tell me where the hospitality room is? I'm lost.

Remember the restraining order kid...

Yes sir.

Corch Meyer

(gulp!....BURP!!!) Slurban! Heard you're moving to Indiana.

Who the hell are you? You smell like my freshmen players' dormitory.

Willard...from Bernie's Dawg Blawg. He says you suck harder than this city.

I don't have time to read the internet...you know, between all the bail bonding.

Well...one quick question: how does it feel to finally have two balls?

(inaudible)

the Virgin Circumciser

(BELCH!...gulp!....urp!) Timoffee...need a tissue?

I'm sorry sir. Did I step on you?

No! You sissy. I heard you cryin' after your trip to tha po...tha podee...uh, the microphone. Thought your pansy ass might need a Kleenex.

If you don't mind me asking, who are you? You smell like my defensive secondary on a Sunday morning as I step over them on the way to church.

My name's WILLARD dammit! Can't anybody read a dern creden...credennn...nametag thingie? You need a square of TP or not?

Yes sir. Thank you. (sniff, sniff)

Geez...making me late fuuuuurrrrr happy hour. (knocks kneeling, praying "QB" to floor as he passes) That's from Rennie, beeatch!

Whew! That's good stuff. Sorry if my spellchecker didn't work. All these lil' buttons...plus, I keep dropping Bernie's bidness compoo...compuu...fancy typewriter.

Well, better go get in line for the buffet. If anyone sees the big guy, tell him Western Union has no record of the transfer. And they don't sell Natty Ice suitcases either.

Live from Hoover!!

SEC Media Days are under way. It's the three days in college football when the rest of the posers stand by in awe of our fat-ass wallets and penchant for pizzazz. There are over a thousand media writers in Alabama all wondering the same thing: why can't this big time conference have the shindig in the 20th century?

Meanwhile the Athletically Challenged Conference will have almost enough writers at their Media Days to field a hockey team.

Very proud to announce that my modest blawg has scrapped together enough coin to hire a freelance writer to cover the event for you Reader. I interviewed two mostly qualified candidates and am pleased to introduce you to Willard. He can't spell a lick, but he didn't want $25 per diem like the other guy.

Plus he knew that you didn't have to spend over $15 to get a decent suitcase of beer. Should fit right in here at BDB. Let's check in with him now.

Willard, how are things in Hoover?

Good Bernie. Lots of BBQ. Although I just remembered I forgot to pack the TUMS.

Well...ok. What has been the story of the day?

Big one there boss - someone evidently didn't vote for Danny Wuerffel and no one can figger out who.

Ahh..you mean Slurban's Shotgun Slut, Crocodile Tears Teblow. Wuerffel graduated over a decade ago. Well, lots of coaching changes this season. Have you lined up any interviews for our Reader?

Yessirree. Got the guy everyone is wanting to talk to, new South Carolina O-line coach Eric Wolford.

Willard! No one cares about the O-line in Chickumbia! Plus I didn't think SC was on tap until Friday. Is Spurrier even bringing this guy Wolford?

I'll check on that right after the breakfast buffet tomorrow boss. Gotta run..those Orlando-Sentinel guys are gettin' into my beer...

Ok, thanks Willard. We'll check back in tomorrow as the big boys roll into town.

Well Reader. Don't know that it'll be what I envisioned, but it sounds like our coverage of Media Days will be interesting. For a more (AHEM!!) accurate wrapup, try Hale.

Recruiting Gets HOT

Carver Columbus coach Dell McGee has his WonderWoman underoos in a wad. Seems CMR and staff rescinded an offer to his QB because the cupboards are near full up. Exhile has some excellent posts up on the Carver Crapfest. I'm not real sure why we were offering a 3 star QB for the limited access class of '10....you know, when Murray and Mettenberger are sure to battle Gray when the Cox Era comes to a close.

But I guess Bobo had his reasons.

But today the sun rose up again and news has spread (sub required) that TJ Stripling has become the Dawgs 18th commit, third in four days. Sounds like another great day to be a Dawg!!

A Hero's Return

Tuesday was pay your insurance premium get your colon scoped day for me. (TMI...?? yeh prolly so...) Spent most of the day snoozing off some anesthesia from my sofa.

But we gathered the kids and the Old Glorys around 2:30 and raced to the front of our subdivision. Word had spread over the weekend that a neighbor was returning home from serving his country.

Corporal John Tolan of the US Marine Corps was injured in Afghanistan by an IED (improvised explosive device). Tuesday he was to return to his home in Lawrenceville. He ended up about an hour ahead of schedule, so many who had planned late lunch breaks were not in attendance. But it was a moving tribute I was proud to have been a part of it nonetheless.

There's something very heart warming about seeing kids hold up flags and homemade signs for a soldier who has given so much to his country. I haven't shaken John's hand yet, but pray for him to live a long life enjoying the freedoms he has so graciously protected for my family overseas.

Semper Fi.

If you are reading this, I have successfully made my first post from my phone....and I-85 south of Charlotte.

To commemorate the event, some groundbreaking news for you: gayturds eat boogers and HillBillys have tooth.

Not sure if there'll be any meatloaf tomorrow. We're due in pretty late after a LONG day on the road. That and it is our anniversary.

At any rate, chin up Reader. Stillwater's so close you can almost smell the cow$&@!.