Your Unofficial Heisman Saturday Evening Alternative Entertainment Guide

The damn thing has been irrelevant since 1980...minus 1982 when they awarded an already twice-slighted Herschel Walker the hardware he'd actually earned three times...but I digress...

I'd like to provide alternatives for your first Saturday evening without football in some time. A word of caution however - depending on your own neighborly environs, some of these could get you a visit from Officer Friendly who also might just be a recently disgruntled Auburn fan. So proceed with caution.

Regardless, you should find something to do rather than listen to Kirk Herbstreit gush over Baker Mayfield. Although the ratings will probably sky rocket if they end up grabbing each others' crotch. At any rate, here are my suggestions:

1. Eat a big bowl of Captain Crunchberries at 8:00 pm.
2. Call your mom and tell her you just ate a big bowl of Captain Crunchberries at 8:00 pm.
3. Find a nice romantic comedy to watch with your significant other.
4. If you can't find your significant other, watch a nice Holiday film like Die Hard for the 173rd time. YIPPEE KI YAH!!!
   
5. Call your favorite Tennessee fan and ask them if Jeremy Pruitt is going to coach them in their bowl...."Aw shit. I'm sorry. Welp, how's your mama n them?"
6. Start reading a book. Or at least open one up in your lap before you doze off so that it looks like you were doing something important.
7. Rewatch last week's SEC Championship game and text updates to your favorite Auburn fan as the game develops.
8. Find a new favorite Auburn fan because your last one just blocked you.
9. Help your wife with all those Christmas Cards. Or at least refill her wine glass. Stop sitting there drooling in your kid's Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and be helpful!!
10. Go back to September of 2008 and re-read every post I've ever written. Then translate them into Mandarin for all my homeboys over in Manchuria!
11. Prepare a large tumbler of bourbon and go door to door singing Christmas carols. Take your dog along for the harmony of it.
12. Create a fake Baker Mayfield's cell phone twitter account that only tweets random Roquan Smith stats and related facts.

Whatever you choose to do to pass the time tomorrow evening, make it a great weekend Dawgs!

Humpday Hilarity - Emma?

Even in a digital world, is paper truly dead? (h/t Mac)

Humpday Hilarity - Redwood Original edition

Recently finished binge-watching Sons of Anarchy. Great, great show. Think these guys could've stretched it into an eighth season though.

Humpday Hilarity - a Golf Poem

Starting to smell like one of the greatest weeks in sports. The Masters is like none other, with the beautiful backdrop of azaleas, dogwoods, and perfect lawns. If golf is a religion, then Augusta National is its own St. Peter's Basilica - beautifully constructed, awe inspiring, and brings grown men to their knees.

Next week it will be full of guys from all over the world, that rarely have recited this poem:

A Golf Poem In My Hand I Hold a Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through the Fires of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite the Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind for Hours on End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry. I Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises a Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight and Far. To Master Such a Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires the Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly as It Chooses. It Hooks and Slices, Dribbles and Dies, And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have a Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles of Grass on Which to Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like a Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows, I'll be Back Tomorrow.

A RECENT STUDY FOUND THE AVERAGE GOLFER WALKS ABOUT 900 MILES A YEAR. ANOTHER STUDY FOUND GOLFERS DRINK, ON AVERAGE, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR. THAT MEANS, ON AVERAGE, GOLFERS GET ABOUT 41 MILES TO THE GALLON. KIND OF MAKES YOU PROUD. I ALMOST FEEL LIKE A HYBRID. (h/t Mac)

Humpday Hilarity - Spring Drill SURPRISE!!

"Hey thanks! Oh shittttt!!!"

h/t AHD

Humpday Hilarity - How many Hail Mary's for being overly judgmental?

h/t Mac

Humpday Hilarity - Banned from Bass Pro Shops

After getting my concealed gun permit yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. 

When I was attempting to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." 

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. 

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 

The workers at Bass Pro Shop's need to make their instructions to senior citizens just a little bit clearer to older people. 

And besides, I didn't think I looked that bad...

(h/t Mac)

Humpday Hilarity - Oops.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place 
where he knows her from. 
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're 
the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time 
he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party 
that I made love to on the pool table, 
with all my buddies watching, while your partner 
whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Humpday Hilarity - phrased in the form of a question

For all my teacher friends...especially my own kids' teachers. (h/t Rex)

Humpday Hilarity - Justified and The Stranger

Second episode of the final season aired last night. I hope by now you've caught up to what is one of television's greatest series. This is the wife's favorite part thus far:

Little disappointed that's the best video the internet has. And for those of you into the show, how'd you like the addition of Sam Elliott last night? Mrs. Bernie said he's got fake teeth; looks like he's trying to hold some dentures in. I said no. You're just not used to seeing him without a mustache.

See?

Oregon quacks "No means no"

Rose Bowl got ugly late. Most of the FSU players had forgotten that when you lose you shake hands. Then the Ducks fired one more shot at Jameis.

Kyle Field demolition video

From GBHunting

KYLE FIELD FALL DOWN GO BOOM

A video posted by Good Bull Hunting (@gbhunting) on Dec 12, 2014 at 6:04am PST

Humpday Hilarity - I'm spinnin' dreidels...

Partly for my kids that absolutely hate it when I "dance" to Shake it Off!. But mostly for everyone that loves a good parody, especially during the Holiday Season.

Humpday Hilarity - Paddy's Christmas Carol

h/t Mac

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!

Thanks to AHD for the pic. Hope your day is smothered in gravy!

Clean, old-fashioned Love.

Most of you don't know Erin, but she's one of the blog's original followers. She's married to a good friend of mine and when we see each other she always asks how things are going in this little corner of the internet.

I've known her husband Chris since college, even though we went to school some 60 miles apart. He and I are alike in many ways, both true to our school, avid fans of the respective football teams, and always appreciate a good beer. On one occasion in the mid-90s after drinking too much of some good beer, we nearly came to blows over an argument related to our teams' rivalry. His brother Jim was kind enough (and just sober enough) to break it up.

Chris, Erin and their little boy Alex are my favorite Georgia Tech fans. And so when I received word yesterday that Erin is in a fight for her life, I reminisced on the days when the only people that read my words here were people I actually knew. Then I promptly set aside any earthly rivalry, bent my knee and prayed.

Some things are bigger than football. Much. So I humbly ask that at some point during the commencement of the yearly tradition of verbal barbs, online insults, and other words filled with venom, please also take a moment to send a good thought, a prayer, or just a moment of reflection for these good people and the doctors and nurses in Erin's care.

Thanks.

You can make me lol Spencer Hall, but I still hate you.

Sure, it's not his fault Georgia shit a brick in Jacksonville, as Bulldogs are occasionally wont to do. But still, the pain, it lingers. Mostly between the ears now. Or what I like to call early to mid-Novemberness.

Mooooving on.....THIS HERE, [corrected link] it is brilliant. It contains references to a sexually eager armadillo, Napoleonic Code, a step stool, and of course Lane Kiffin. However, I recommend reading Spencer's account after reading the official one in its entirety. For full effect and all that.

Carry on now.

Humpday Hilarity - "You poked my heart."

Even if you've already seen this, it's always worth another chuckle.

I swear, women learn so young to be manipulative with their tricky vocabulary and pokey fingers.

"They don't pay me enough to bitch."

I'm out. I need about 12 hours off and I'm gonna use it to take the Mrs. to her first Rock Show tonight. No kids. No memorabilia. No overdue work projects. No ncaa investigators (at least none that I'm aware of). No self-righteous talking heads.

No kids.

Given the mood, I've picked one of the Truckers new ones to celebrate. Although I was there for this 40 Watt filming, you won't see me paying the man who levels the floor.

If you're at the Tabernacle tonight and we bump into one another, don't act so surprised. And try not to look so long. Cheers y'all!

Humpday Hilarity - Marriage is Bliss, chapter 39

h/t Mac