Friday Misery - I can't drink you away Georgia

It’s been a long week. You’re a hotshot blogger. You’ve got to meet a deadline. Literally six or perhaps even fewer people are depending on you to amp them up with some Kentucky blue flavored misery. And the only thing swirling in your head are the rumors in the air.

“Pruitt took a dump in Coach Richt’s F-150.”

“McGarity is looking for his balls again.”

“Schotty is thinking of voting for Hillary.”

So yeh, you’ve got nothing.

Then...a text from Hank and a few minutes later the wife cues up a YouTube video from the CMAs...boooooom!!

Let’s do this y’all.

“a thousand proof don't change the truth”

I can’t quit you Dawgs. You could tell me that you once saw Richard Tardits paint his toenails pink. Or that you used Mudcat’s car to give Chubb a ride to Knoxville. Or how Robert Edwards drank Gatorade before the 1997 WLOCP. Orange gatorade. Hell, you could spend your last, dying breath telling me how Herschel actually thought the ball was pretty heavy after all.

Don’t matter. I mean, did I falter when a Dooley wore orange britches? Did I even waver when they turned Pollack into a bulimic Finebaum coattail-rider? Nope.

UGA is in my double helixes. Georgia Red courses through my superior vena cava. No amount of bat shit crazy can make me turn my back on you. You're both the symptom and the cure for my insanity. When the sun comes up tomorrow you can find me doing the same. I’ve been all in since before Joe Waterloo introduced me to Mr. Boston and I’ve been singing Glory Glory in Nama’s shadow since Preston Jones was battling Greg Talley for snaps. The proof on the bottle doesn’t fuzzy my vision and the seal is never cracked without your blessing.

I love you Georgia Football. Like a moth to a flame, I will search you out through all the fog, the mist, and the bullshit. We’ll live together through the highs and the lows, we’ll survive together through the AJCs and the THCs. I can be the Laurel to your Hardy, the Moe to your Curly, the Hunker to your Down, the Baba to your O'Riley. I can’t wait until we meet again tomorrow and turn our gaze towards the Southwest corner. I’m looking forward to hearing the crack of the pads against the backdrop of another Saturday afternoon in Athens.

Pass the glass Georgia Football. The week has given me a pounding on my brain, but the next round is on me Dawgs.

BIG TEAM, little pricks

Lemme cut right to the chaser.

Guy in the Kroger fast lane checkout with the florida walmart jersey...you can shut your mouth, please and thank you. I like the way your kid disgracefully shakes his head whenever you open your trap. But yeh, shut up.

And whoa boy, Fran Tarkenton….you can most definitely shut your gotdamn mouth. Faton Bauta has more dignity and school pride in one of his pinkie fingers than you could find in any of your beloved checks. The next time you feel it necessary to borrow a shock jock microphone to steal the spotlight so you can throw MY team under the bus, please come on by the house so I can set your shit straight once and for all.

Yes, and anyone else that would like to self-aggrandize or show off their pretentiousness or publicly self-gratify theirowndamnself, you can shut it too. And if you have any trouble with that directive, I have a house full of women that can slap that shit eating grin off your vainglorious face. You’ll blame your Saturday lackadaisicalness on the rain tomorrow, an irreverent stark contrast to Tanner’s crew that’ll have their mudboots in place before dawn. Then there’s those of you that won’t even realize it’s raining because you never even leave your mother’s basement where you have our coach’s face set up as a dart board that you use as your only means of daily exercise. It’s lazy, and poor, and ill-mannered, and cocky, and very Sakerlina-ish to pile on when the team is down just to hear your own whiny-assed Franny voice. It’s low-rent, cut-off jeans extraneous noise to squeal like a little bitch when the players are preparing to play the next game. You’re just a low-blow, talk show ho if you get anything out of throwing the team under the bus you drove into town while honking the horn with the hazards on.

Get a life Tark. Either come out from behind that microphone and speak up like a man, or go back to Minnesota until your balls freeze off once and for all.

Been saying it all week, but it’s time to play football instead of playing on the internet like children. Tomorrow it’s no more message boreds and twitter and innuendo and speculation and scenarios and rumors and soap operas and low budget drama. It’s time to crack some skulls that aren’t our own. It’s time to see just how down our hunker can get. It’s time to set aside this mess we’ve made and sit at the big boy table.

It’s time to be men about our business. It’s time to tee it up between the hedges. Let us pray...Dear Lord, we’ve feasted on ourselves for weeks. Please help us to put down the fork and raise our voices in unison. Also, please help Schotty spell t-o-u-c-h-d-o-w-n correctly. Amen.

The week from hell ain't done yet y'all

Weiszer with the details - http://bit.ly/1RuVQsZ

You want answers? ... I WANT THE TRUTH!!

Hey, there's a game Saturday. Maybe you forgot that while wallowing around in your own pity. While you try to think up a new anonymous twitter or DawgVent handle so you can spout venom and regurgitate nonsense, the team is actually practicing for Kentucky!

The texts, the calls, the tweets, the comments....

I get it. But it's November. Richt ain't gonna pull a Spurrier and leave his team during the season with football left on the table. More importantly, McGarity isn't going to read your message bored post and fire anybody. You know why, because no one (of any consequence) would return his call to sign up for 2016 if he did.

You may not like Mark Richt and you may be sick of losing (like the rest of us I might add), but he's Georgia's best coach in the history of the program. There's a myriad of reasons he hasn't been more of a player in the SEC the last decade, most of which falls directly on his shoulders and all of which we can get into once the calendar flips one more time. He's in his 15th year and he ain't going anywhere until he decides he's done.

Maybe that's in a month, or maybe that's in five years. I don't know and I don't particularly care right now to be quite honest. I just want to beat Kentucky. I want to somehow and in some way see a damn touchdown. I want to teach my kids that there are things to really and truly celebrate in life, and watching the Dawgs play in Athens on a Saturday afternoon is one of them.

Maybe you're not that way. Okay. Fine. Please don't let me stand in the way of you and that wall you're banging your head against.

Look, I took my car flags down Sunday just like you. The difference is I had driven 300 miles and was standing in my driveway when they were pulled off the windows. You glanced over each shoulder in the hotel parking lot before breakfast and ripped em down as fast as you could.

Am I disappointed? You better believe it. Do I think the coaches need to answer some hard questions? Absolutely. It's absolutely illogical some of the things I'm seeing! I even suffered through the Bulldog Hotline, aka Lobbing Softballs at the Coach Hour Half-hour, to listen to...to listen to....something.

If you're so pissed that you can't stand it any longer, make a real statement - don't come Saturday, or don't turn on the tv, or don't even get the hell out of bed. That's making a statement if you're truly and absolutely done. It's going to be a noon kickoff after a miserable week. Your empty seat will speak volumes if you can convince enough people to follow your lead.

But that ain't me. Don't hold it against me. But I love Saturdays in Athens and I don't turn my back on my team. Like I said yesterday, every game is going to be a struggle down the stretch. 5-7 isn't off the table, but neither is 9-3. There's a time and a place for asking the hard questions. If you want to drive the #FireEmAll bus, go right ahead. I'm just sitting here with my red pompom waiting on another route to come by.

It's in my blood. I was never guaranteed it'd be easy. And I certainly haven't enjoyed the last month. But I'm supporting my team today just the same was I will come Saturday.

Go Dawgs!

Converting third downs for bowl eligibility

Schottenheimer's offense is coming off a season low in converting third downs after managing just 16% against Florida. Georgia is now next to last in the SEC - 31%. Kentucky is 12th in the conference in opponents' third down conversion rate - 42%.

Something has to give. I mean, right?

We haven't scored a touchdown in nearly six handles of bourbon (that's like my metric system). Most of you that are reading this are here for some commentary on a millionaire's job security. Perhaps find a different blog to read for about a month. 

This is a young team that needs the extra practices. How do you get practices in December? You become bowl eligible. How do you become bowl eligible? You score touchdowns. How do you score touchdowns? You convert third downs. How do you convert third downs? 

Glad you asked.

- You run the damn ball. If the legs of Sony or Douglas or Marshall or our new punter or our old punter get you down the field, don't throw the ball. Run it. RUN IT!! The fans will thank you. The offensive line and the quarterback will thank you. Most importantly, the scoreboard will thank you!

- Speaking of Keith Marshall, he's not his old self. Sure. But you know what, lemme throw this number at you - 5.33. That's his YPC against Florida. That's awesome! Sad part is he only had three carries. He's got fresh legs. Use them.

- Speaking of using them, here's an actual drive chart for one possession (the only possession of the game that saw #4) in the second quarter - Marshall rush for 9 yards, Marshall rush for 5 yards, screen pass to Marshall for 5 yards, Marshall rush for 2 yards...then on third and two, after #4 had gashed them for 14 yards on Theus' hip, Bauta is sacked on a pass play for -3 yards.

- Run the ball. RUN IT!!

- Utilize 26 too. Malcolm Mitchell is better than anybody Kentucky has. Seems like a no brainer, but then again he was better than Florida's defense too. There's not a rule that a receiver can only run routes. Especially when he's your biggest weapon.

Go back and look at the number of passes called on third down, regardless of distance. Schottenheimer's lack of confidence in the running game is staggering.

Every game is gonna be a struggle from here on out. Pruitt's defense will have it's hands full against Georgia Southern and Tech, but should match up well against Kentucky and Auburn. However, they can't be asked to be on the field every couple minutes of game clock. 

And you avoid that by...(say it with me)...converting third downs.

Sunday's thought on not having any answers

I just can't wrap my head around going to the lengths of promoting your third string quarterback, seemingly to utilize his unique skill set, just to run the same plays that didn't score against Missouri.

I just can't.

Two keys - WLOCP edition

It's here. Time to head down to Jacksonville with a handle of bourbon and a heart full of hate.

1. Malcolm Mitchell. It'd be easy to put Bauta in as one of these, but I'm sticking with the offensive player I've felt for two weeks needs to get more touches in this game. We know what 26 can do in the passing game. If we can also use his speed to stretch the field from sideline to sideline I think that will only help against this Florida defense.
2. Linebacker play. I think our defensive line can do some work on their offensive line. So disciplined play on the edge and in the middle of the field could be the key to managing their offense between the chains. In other words, play with bad intentions. But do so as a unit of 11.

No solos today. Team effort. Let's do this!

Go Dawgs!

the Friday Misery doesn't "need your attention...

...because it WANTS to smack a damn gator.

Three factions of Dawg fans this morning on the eve of the annual renewal of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Where do you fall?

1. You’ll be there tomorrow, soaking in the sun, and basking in the thrill of college football’s greatest rivalry. Awesome. Cheers!
2. You can’t make it, but will squeeze in your own cocktail party amongst the ghouls and goblins. Cool!
3. You have given up and prefer to sit there in your piss soaked chinos.

Dumbass.

gAtoR wORd pLaY

On this episode, we learn…

“Jorts” spelled backwards is of course “stroJ”, which in German means one who is proficient in ignoring personal hygiene, is overly casual in their attire even in the presence of other “stroJs”, and overly comfortable existing as a lower class citizen.

You probably knew this already, but in case you’re new around here, a synonym for Corch is Asshat.

Trinton gon' shake it now.

At the regional Gainesville FL libraries, every occurrence of the phrase “Touchdown Celebration” is whited out and written over with “Hert Feewings”.

Similarly, history books have all pages ripped out that mention any year prior to 1990.

To pass the state’s high school graduation tests, students must complete a crossword puzzle that only contains two clues - 1 Across “rhymes with Febow” and 1 Down “rhymes with Mebow”.

Steve Shithead Spurrier has more letters than Stanfill. But Bill has more heart.

Wantful things

I will not be able to listen in, but I bet leading up to kickoff there’s a lot of discussion about how Georgia needs to win this game. About how Georgia needs to control its own destiny in the SEC East. We need this and we need that.

That’s bullshit. Needing something is when you can’t reach it. Needing something is for losers. Needing something is when you have to ask for help. Needing is two week old weak sauce.

We all know that the team that needs to win the WLOCP doesn’t always win. Many times it loses. Sometimes it loses very, very badly.

Pictured (from L to R) - "wanting it" and "butthurt"

The team that wins the WLOCP wants to win the game. They want it with every fiber of their being. They want it from the crown of their helmet to that last cleat in the turf. They want it more than a fat kid wants cake.

Last year we needed to win, and just look what the hell that got us. It got us a front row view of the team with the pretty scripted helmets across the field that wanted it. They wanted it more. And they got it ALL. DAY. LONG.

Right here, right now, we don’t need the SEC East. We don’t need to run the table. We don’t need national favor and we certainly don’t need an Uncle Verne hand job. We don’t need to pay Georgia Tech back. We don’t need to bat one down against Auburn.

That’s later. That’s all next month.

Right here and right now we have to want to win this game. We have to want to kick their sorry inbred swampy ass. We have to want touchdowns. We have to want to drive that shit into the dirt. We have to want to give every gotdamn thing we’ve got.

I don’t need your handouts. I don’t need your slack-jawwed sympathy. I don’t need another excuse out of your pretty little mouth.

I want to beat florida. I have to beat florida. I want it for my soul. I want it for my children. I want it for America. And I’ll give all that I can possibly give for that feeling again of leaving Everbank with The Big Machine chanting from the EverBank escalator bays all the way down Duval. This isn't a game. It's the WLOCP. Strap em up tight boys, because it's time to SMACK A DAMN GATOR!! 

But first, let's bow our heads...dear God in Heaven, please in the name of Robert Edwards, help us want it more. And also find Sony some space. Amen.

84's time to shine

Sure, the shoulder last season had something to do with it. But this game has to be another big reason Leonard Floyd came back for 2015.

Groo beat me to the punch (and landed it more expertly of course) with his post on containing the running game. Georgia's defense this season has underperformed in some ways, but stopping the run of late hasn't been a problem.

My guess is playing disciplined defense has been one of Pruitt's points of great emphasis this week. Just take a look at Cory's breakdown of last season's disaster and it's a clear reminder (albeit an uncomfortable one) of just how easily effective Florida's offense was.

I especially like the point he makes as to the entire defense functioning together. It's clear in some frames that we have the play defended. One guy misses a read or loses sight of the goal in front of them, and then boom...Taylor is into the secondary. Again.

Now, I don't see Florida completely trying to replicate last season's game plan Saturday. But it shouldn't matter. As Cory alludes to, the defense should be seeing those 2014 WLOCP frames in their sleep at this point. They should come in with a chip on their shoulder and play with the discipline the coaches and fans expected last season.

Back to Floyd. This game is made for him. If Jenkins is indeed back or close to 100% it only gives more for this patchwork Florida offensive line to think about. Bellamy has been huge and Floyd will have a field day disrupting running lanes outside and Harris' vision in the backfield.

Then it just becomes a question of whether our offense can control the ball, field position, and the scoreboard. That remains a mystery.

You had me at "intrigue"

I don't know if Bauta (or Ramsey for that matter) plays any more Saturday than I will. I sure would like to see #10 out there. I've made that clear for months. But at this point in the season it would show the coaches are pulling out all the stops and were true to their word about giving everyone a shot at more playing time.

But even if Lambert takes every snap, I like the idea of adding some mystery to the mix.

“I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say,” he said with a laugh. “Yeah, they’re definitely kind of focusing on putting the pressure on guys and everything like that. I’ll just kind of keep that open ended. I don’t want to get in trouble.”

Blazevich said he knows — and so do his teammates — what will happen with the quarterbacks. He acknowledged keeping that quiet is about not giving away that information to Florida. 

I had assumed he was going to end that thought with "message boreds". But yes, florida too. Absolutely.

Gator fan - Chippy Zwitkowski

He's actually kind of a big deal y'all. Here's a sampling of his accomplishments and eclectic eccentricities:

• is the new night manager at a local Wendy's
• maintained both a 1.5 GPA and Dean's List all the way through his nine years of undergraduate work at Florida University
• by using a shovel, he once dug a hole
• cuts his own hair
• unlike his favorite gator player, has never murdered anyone!!
• recently (successfully) switched from velcro straps to shoes with actual laces
• can operate his mom's convection oven
• doesn't mind burned tater tots
• is widely known throughout section 513 in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium as the best heckler of opposing fans' children
• finished reading his first short story this past summer
• still doesn't realize Algernon is a fictitious lab rat and is not a city in Central Mexico where the US sends children with mental handicaps
• got the t-shirt he's wearing for free by means of a shirt cannon at a gymnastics meet
• paid $28.99 for the jorts
• neither of those are his bicycles, as he exclusively uses his 'board for transportation
• while his transcript suggests he once spent a semester abroad, his fraternity brothers know that he was actually serving out six months for aggravated sexual assault
• is required by law to stay 100 feet away from Alberta Gator
• shaves his legs
• carries a "Bad to the Bone" flask in his back pocket...filled with Zima
• is enthralled by tree leaves

So on Saturday, if you hear something like "Hey kid, your mom looked great wearing my Tebow jersey last night!", you'll know you're sitting near Chippy. 

And that his flask is empty.