the Friday Misery addresses the red clay on Grandma's rug

In a week of crazy college football news, I'd like to take a moment to address the bastard in the corner.

You see, when someone "resigns", people are naturally inclined to say nice things. They do this for one of two reasons: 1) they like the guy, or 2) the don't like the guy but are super excited to see the asshole leave and want to say something positive in an attempt to show they're the bigger person.

Bull. Shit. Spurrier was, is, and always will be a prick. If you don't think so, tune in tomorrow when he stumps for his own cause on national television under the guise that he just did something selfless for the South Carolina program, all while the team continues to play out the schedule that the ol' ball coach was too scared to face hisownself. And those ESPN dipshits in suits will pucker up for that ass until it gleams brighter than the day Satan birthed him.

The ol' Cock Coach doing his "bend over buddy"
exercises, in perpetuity.

Argue that he's one of the best to ever coach...okay, if you really feel so inclined. Talk about how he revolutionized the forward passing game...hey, I get it if you feel you must. But don't pretend he's a saint when that douchebag would push over your grandma in the express checkout lane if her 16th item was her prescription blood thinner medication.

Coming to grips

The self-loathing is understood. The bickering is to be expected. And the descension in the ranks is all too familiar.

We ain't what we thought we were. That's on us. It's not on Greyson Lambert. It's not on the long concession lines. It's on us. We smiled and waved during every bit of the media hand jerking. We convinced ourselves the gamecocks beat down was something to build upon, only to find out it was just another empty-caloried cupcake.

The sooner we accept the fact that we brought this misery on ourselves the sooner we can stop pretending we have all the answers. 

When all we really have are questions.

Southern hospitality

A brief historical perspective to clarify the here and now...

In this youthful rivalry, the away team has always come out on top. We went out west to witness the first edition and those midwesterns were as accommodating as they were dumbfounded when you asked them why the tea wasn't sweet. They bent over backwards to apologize for the "old man football" comment and they pretended to not care about professional baseball more than college football.

Pinkel in yet another Moment of "Zin"

So cute. Until the next year when we rolled out the red carpet, injured their quarterbacker, then promptly shit the bed. And of course last season back in Columbia Brendan Douglas went head over heels and the paper tigers took the weekend off.

So this being hospitable bullshit ends tomorrow night. I mean, right? These bastards have been geographically misplaced for more than three seasons now. The newness of having a team from way out yonder in the conference has all but worn off, so there's no reason to even go open the door for them. They know where the beer is. Let em get it theirowndamnself. They know to say "Yes ma'am" when they're addressing Mrs. Bernie and they know we don't talk about basketball season before the leaves finish their grand descent.

I hope this message is clear - this ends now. Southern hospitality gives way to tough love tomorrow night. It's like when your cousin Zeke didn't wipe his feet before going into Grandma's house and tracked red clay on her grandma's rug that was the only thing survived that fire back in 18 hundred something and then your Uncle Pete took Zeke out back and gave him a whatfor.

Nothing personal, just the way we do the things we do. Because then Uncle Pete picked ol' Zeke up and helped dust him off, smiled, and said "If you ever leave your goddamn brains by the front door, you better damn well leave your boots there too!"

Gary Robin Pinkel will walk right in here, grab the jug of chardonnay from the fridge, plop down on Grandma's sofa her father bought right before he lost his job in 1929, prop his feet up on the coffee table, loosen his belt, drink straight from the bottle, change the channel to some Lifetime movie, and then lay a fart right there just as you're suggesting he take his feet down please goddammit and thank you.

Don't let Gary Robin Pinkel fart on your grandmother's Depression Era couch. Now, bow your head...Dear Lord, please help us tackle tomorrow as if Zeke is climbing up the steps and reaching for the screen door handle. And also, GOD BLESS CHUBB! Go Dawgs!

Friday Misery - it's time to RING THE BELL AND RUN TELL DAT!

Dear Lord Jesus, please. 
Just, please.
Please join us in the Jazz Hands!
Amen.

The danger of revisiting historical references is our innate ability as humans Georgia Bulldogs to repeat past failures. What I mean by that is this: the 2015 Georgia Bulldogs never were part of the 2008 Blackout. Some of them were barely in middle school at the time. And most of this year's roster weren’t in the Dome when the confetti rained crimson instead of red. (Those that were there however know that this game can be won or lost on just a handful of plays.)

Together, you and I, let’s take a step forward and turn our backs on the past. Billy Bennett was “Man Enough”, but that was over a decade ago. “One and Done” was spectacular, but now Stafford gets paid millions to make those throws. The Bicentennial Beatdown was before the forward pass was even legal.

I think.

I want to make a statement about THIS football team, not their predecessors. I know the heartbreak that can come from losing a game of this magnitude. You do too. There’s no need to remind ourselves. Let’s focus on 2015. Let’s make tomorrow special. For although we cannot control the past, we can grasp the future.

On this episode of wOrD PLaY!!...

If you rearrange the letters in “Alabama Crimson Tide Football” you get “Yes, Jonathan Taylor was once here”.

If you go to Thesaurus.com (aka Blogger’s Paradise City), and enter “Nick Saban”, the third entry down on the second column is Dwarfmongerer. So then you click on Dictionary.com (aka “Help I don’t know WTF this means”) and enter “Dwarfmongerer” and find out it’s a noun that means a greedy, narcissistic dictator that also uses a step stool to address his minions.

Ask bonafide Crimson Tidal graduates what the word “Chubb” means and the male will look down at his private organ and chuckle, while the female one will sigh deeply. Then pick her nose.

It is untrue that Alabama ranks at the bottom of the nation in college entrance exam scores. Now that you can no longer take the SAT barefooted they’ve pulled ahead of Tennessee on the math section by exactly 10 points.

From the Alabama wikis -

Scholars believe the word comes from the Choctaw alba (meaning "plants" or "weeds") and amo (meaning "to cut", "to trim", or "to gather"). The meaning may have been "clearers of the thicket or "herb gatherers", referring to clearing land for cultivation or collecting medicinal plants.

If only it meant “clearers of the nose and back hair” instead, am I right ladies?

From the police blotter - 

Krystalling - /verb/ to rub one’s privates on any drunken, unsuspecting poor bastard.

And in the words of noted Alabammian Culturalist Antoine Dodson - “Run tell dat!”

Your voice is not enough

Every ounce of energy must be left at your seat tomorrow night. If you walk out of the Sanford gates with anything in the tank you have failed the team you came to cheer for. Win or lose, it must all be spent. Do you want to wake up Sunday morning and realize you had more to give and instead of offering it to the team, the atmosphere, the cool night air that will hang over us like a gridiron shroud, you decided to hold onto it?

For what? Why hold onto something that has the sole purpose of being used in support of the Red and Black? Why keep within you what has been born with the sole purpose of coming out?

We are Georgia. We stretch the leash to the very end. We use every muscle and every ounce of intestinal fortitude to latch onto what we feel is rightfully ours, whether it’s Robert Baker’s ass or a clearer path to championship destiny. We pound the G, because to lightly tap it is to tell Billy Bennett he doesn’t have enough leg, or to tell Mikey Henderson he’s too small, or to accept UGA admin’s advice and just stay the hell home.

In the words of Mrs. Bernie, “Aw hell no!”

We POUND the G! because our heart must be in it to win it. We STAND UP because to sit is to endorse complacence. We FINISH THE DRILL because there are those that are expecting nothing less. We GET AFTER THAT ASS because, simply put, crimson and white looks better with grass stains.

We POUND the G!! because our voice is not nearly enough. We enter together and we leave together, for better or worse, with one game to lose and everything to gain.

via

They are alabama. They live in opulence, practice indoors, and are above any and all criticism mere mortals clumsily propel their way. They have no need to pander for they are the ones who are pandered to. They eat extra salty pork rinds drizzled in chocolate syrup, past due date cream cheese, and peanut butter covered fatback just to prove they can still shit out five stars. They twitch and ESPN squirms. They invent new historic trophies just to indulge their sense of entitlement. If/When they lose, it’s because the game balanced itself as an outlier; a whimsical happenstance for the ages rather than an honest toe to toe tussle of might and strength.

We are GEORGIA. We’ve been rained on all week. We fight for every morsel of attention cast our way and earn every ounce of respect given. We watch our weight and, regardless of false rating systems, appreciate every young man who signs on to wear the G. We reminisce without reinvention. We take what’s been earned and give back when necessary. While we admit to taking indoor plumbing for granted, we’re not one to brag about blessings. When we win, it’s because of the work, the effort, the blood, the sweat, and the tears that got us there.

Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting. SO LET'S GET THIS THING ON AND RING THE GODDAMN BELL!

Humpday Hilarity - You can take away Dr. Lou's microphone, but....

...you can never take away his own augmented and personalized Swahili.

Desmond gets hitched

Courtesy of BassinDawg, he's hitched onto The Chubb Train now.

Friday Misery - Nine and a half questions with Paul Finebaum

Not sure why, but this kinda stuck in my craw the other day.

started? We been here. Welcome. RT @SECNetwork: SEC! SEC! SEC! It all goes down 48 hrs from now. RT if u’re ready to get this party started.
— Bernie (@BernieDawg) August 12, 2014

Slow your roll Charlotte. We've been here since 1932. And actually, the following year the 21st Amendment repealed the most vile and disgusting legislation ever enacted by a congressional body. That's no coincidence. Just facts.

Which is why I'm glad a certain radio personality who parlayed Nick Saban's success into semi-stardom agreed to sit down with me and get to know the SEC landscape a little better. Many thanks to Seagram's Ginger Ale, ESPN, Mike Slive, The Poulan Weedeater Bowl, Old Crow Reserve, and DirecTV channel 611 for sponsoring this momentous interview.

Bernie and his Glass of bourbon: Thansss for joining me Peter. How ya like Shhharrrlotte?
Paul Finebaum: Wait. Why aren't you wearing any pants?

BahGoB: (whispers, sort of) I know you're new here, but see, how this works is I asss the quesssions there Kewpie. OK! So. Let's start with something basic. Who ordered the Code Water Hose?
PF: I don't, ah...,I don't have the faintest idea what you are talking about. But please put on some shorts at least.

BahGoB: Shuddup Phil! What good is a network on the SEC if we don get any insider information?
PF: I think you have the wrong idea here, ah.. Bernie is it?

BahGoB: STFU Donnie! I'M ASKING THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS!! (straightens tie) Now....If you were still selling pot out of high school parking lots back in 1986, well then, did you at least bring a trasncripp of the Eric Ramsey tapes?
Kewpie: Can we talk about....I mean, no more questions...uhm, I would prefer to talk about something having to do with this upcoming season.

BahGoB: (quickly, and with a generous amount of spittle) Missouri, for real?
PF: Well, I think Missouri is really lucky to miss Alabam... 

BahGoB: Stop right there Francis. Do you ever take a break from stroking Saban's....hairs?
PF: Please. I don't understand what you want or what I'm doing here. Where's Dari? Where's Tim?

BahGoB: Ahah! So Tebow has the tapes and Nowkah ordered the hoses?!?
PF: No. (pulls out phone and starts dialing)

BahGob: Whooya booty calling Paul?
PF: ...Hey. Danny? I need to arrange a pickup.

BahGob: Sheridan?!? He's the gotdamn Bagman?!?
PF: Yes. Tell Tammy the charade is up. "The spider is through the upright." She'll...yeh, she'll know what that means. Now. NOOOOWWWWW!!!

BahGoB: "The spider is through the upright"...is that code for springin' Harvey Updi...?

Poof. He was gone. Like a usual gimpy suspect. Like a Herschel Walker tear away jersey. Like the brain matter from Jules' backseat once The Wolf was called. Like Phillip Fulmer at the 2004 SEC Media Days.

And like a florida fan's 2013 swagger.

Gone.

Hey @KirkHerbstreit...Coach Richt has tarnished the Irish.

Felony assault of a police officer. Jeez.

The Irish reserve from Austintown, Ohio, was arrested Sunday night in his home county, per Mahoning County Sheriff Department documents. He faces five charges, three of which are considered felonies in the state of Ohio.The felony charges are assault of a police officer, intimidation of a public servant/party official and vandalism of a government entity. He also was charged with misdemeanor resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. (h/t AHD)

Let me know if you need Richt's phone number again Herbie.

Richt on Michael Sam

Look, if you think Richt hasn't recruited a gay player before you're either an idiot, blind, or both.

"It's interesting that you have that being that big of a deal. But it is a big deal," Richt said of Sam. "Anybody who has the courage to tell the truth about themselves that may be controversial, I give them credit. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is. And because it was, it took courage."

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was asked Tuesday about whether he'd recruit a gay player, and said he wouldn't have a problem with it. Richt was asked if he felt the same way.

"I mean, if the guy can play," Richt said, chuckling, "then yeah we'll recruit him."

Don't be like the ESPN guys and make a big deal of this. It's about football. I'm proud of Sam for his courage. But more than anything, glad to see a really good player get a chance to make a living doing something he's good at.

Back to Athens, I don't care what a guy prefers to do in his own bedroom. Like Richt said, if he can play, and he wants to wear red and black, give him a working fax number!

Read more here: http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/2014/05/28/3125675/richt-believes-tray-matthews-has.html?sp=/99/210/222/699/#storylink=cpy

Playing with the new shiny toy - the CFB Playoffs!!

Ivan Maisel at ESPN has put together a committee and they will mock the new playoffs this week. Today they introduce their top 16 teams and the plan is to whittle them down to the predicted champion by Friday.

Fun! Here's a portion of Schlabach's breakdown of Georgia:

The Bulldogs are hoping Gurley can lead them back to the top of the SEC East and potentially into a spot in the College Football Playoff. Last season, Gurley was hampered by injuries and a torn ACL sidelined tailback Keith Marshall for the final eight games, causing UGA to limp to a disappointing 8-5 finish.

When Gurley is healthy, he's the kind of player who can carry the Bulldogs, according to UGA offensive coordinator Mike Bobo. With Hutson Mason replacing the record-setting Aaron Murray at quarterback, UGA might need Gurley to remain upright more than ever.

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. At least on the offensive side of things. And I won't be bothered if the Bulldogs aren't crowned champion on Friday. Really. I won't.

But I am interested to see the decision making in this mock playoff. It's a bold new world here folks. And it's full of questions about how much Ty Williamham really knows about life in the SEC. Is Lt. Gen. Gould more of defensive guy, or does he honestly prefer an aerial attack? Will Barry Alvarez fart in Condi's presence?

Seriously, whatever your feelings were towards the BCS and however you may feel about the way this new era will be organized, this tackle football committee thing blends objectivity, subjectivity and the human element better than we've ever imagined. It will be an efficient way of crowning a champion or an extremely lethal cocktail. (Actually, it will almost certainly be both.)

For instance, part of what ESPN does is come up with a WAY TOO EARLY power index of the teams based on offensive, defensive and special teams data in previous years. It's cool stuff for stat geeks, although I question why UGA's defense is ranked (considerably) higher than its offense considering what Bobo has done compared to his defensive counterparts.

Anyway, I hope this mock committee gives us some insight as to how they make their decisions. Afterall, that's what we'll all be concerned with come late November.

Garrison Hearst vs Kirk Herbstreit

Thanks to ghostoferkrussell. I just needed a pick me up today. Go Dawgs!

Friday Misery - Lestocracy: like an autocracy that smokes grass AND chews it

Franch /adj/ 1. to describe someone or something as being from the eternally puny country of France. 2. to have smelly armpits 3. thinking highly of oneself without one damn good reason [ex. Dem some franchy good tiger you got right der Co' Miles, I gayRUHNtee!]

Quick thought on Gameday
Most of you know I'm not a fan. I rarely get the opportunity to tune in. And when I do I'd rather thrust sharp knives deep into my ear canal than listen to Herbie perpetuate his hidden agendas and Corso ramble on about being at the Alamo with Davy Crockett and how that factors into the problems with Indiana's defense.

But tomorrow, if you're able, please watch it. Very closely. Because sometime early next week our own version of gameday will air right here. That's right, at the tailgate we're filming BDB Gameday Live, complete with expert analysis, signs and celebrity guest pickers (not named Les). Gonna be fun. And you'll be able to contrast and compare.

One thing's for sure. We'll do a lot less damage to Myers Quad.

Gurley and his Minutemen
Gonna make this short and bitter, with the bureaucratic option to veto that and make it long...and bitter.

Give me your disheartened, your disbelievers, and your disenchanted. Lend me your ear! Cast aside your minute criticisms, your worries and your apprehensions. The only thing we have to fear is...the end of college football season. So stand up straight! Have faith in Aaron Murray! Keep calm and Quayvon! Hunker down deep with Garrison, entrenched in your own Dawgged constitution. We don't need fidgety fingers, nervous nellies or the bitching and the moaning.

For tomorrow, our enemies invade our rich and storied history. They threaten our congressional assembly 'tween the hedges. They bring with them an evil form of government, one built on the falsehoods of building character among young men and rampant inbreeding. In short, they are formidable and we will need your voice, your clear conscience and your intestinal fortitude.

Lester has voted everyone back on the island with his sexual deviants, his jambalaya stuffed ballots and his honeyless badgers. He hides behind the illusion of kindness and second chances. But just like the Berlin Wall, he'll eventually lay in rubble at our feet.

#LesMilesTeamVote...eat it or flick it?

The destruction starts tomorrow ladies and gentlemen. While the national media turns a blind eye towards his practices, we will begin the process of hammering through his party platform built on failed drug tests and "team" votes. We may not be able to shut down his campaign funds, but we can make damn sure there will be no successful stumping in Athens GA, USA.

No sir Lester! You insufferable, idiotic bastard. Your ways and means around the system carry no silent majority here. We don't use cheap ballots and voter fraud as way to govern. While Jeremy Hill was practicing pick up lines on underage girls and pummeling bar patrons in Red Stick, Todd Damn Gurley was saving innocent lives with just his presence. He was carrying a bookbag of awesome to undergraduate classes. He spent his off season balancing the power of justice.

Poor job. Shitty effort Lester. Your étouffée smells as rotten as the swamp rat cooked into it. 

Go Dawgs! #commitottheG #ballforPaul  #beatLSU

Friday Misery - Are you Fab Fly Freddie Red-Y?

I am not superstitious. I'm not. But I'm also a "if it ain't broke, leave the wrench in the tool bag" kinda guy. And you know what worked in 2003?

Fab Fly Freddie checking his rearview.

That red speck, that miniscule Georgia red pixel in the background is me sitting in a sea of orange. I remember how fast Gibson ran away from me (and the defensive back) and that I was the only one in my section that seemed excited about it. To stand amid a sea of indifference as the lone voice of reason is an intoxicating feeling. Am I right?

I also remember Dad cursing David Pollack. Cursing the line that couldn't block him. Cursing the coaches that couldn't coach the line that couldn't block him. And then I remember post-gating for a bit, and filing in line leaving campus behind one of the kids they'd put on an island to defend Charlie Whitehurst against one of college football's greatest pass rushers ever.

"Dad, you see that one play where I kept him back? You see that one?"

That's funny because it's pitiful. Plus, I think it was the one play Pollack sat out. Regardless, tomorrow I'll be sitting in the same section. Not because I'm superstitious. But because it's the only ticket I could get that's what Dawgs do on the road. Get in the stadium and cheer their gotdamn head off!

Ok, now let's play...what does Bernie not give a shit about?

First, excuses. I do not fairly give a shit that our defense is young. Our defense last year sucked, bottom line. Do y'all want them back, with their one eye on Mel Kiper's pen and the other on the sideline to see if they can sit this play out? They were a series of fits and starts that couldn't stop the runs with a handful of Imodium and a bath plug. Don't sell these new guys short just because they haven't started many games. They're not an excuse, they're our opportunity to prove Georgia Bulldogs defense is better than 2012. They're my guys. They're yours too.

I also don't give a shit about where Gameday is. Some of y'all are a little too obsessed with Kirk's highlights. It's gotten more than awkward. If they wanna come watch me tailgate, sobeit. But fretting over our record while they're on the same campus is weak sauce. It's August hoss. Put your big boy britches on. Let em dress like clowns.

Third. Brent Venables in year two. You know what Brent Venables in year two has never tackled? Todd Damn Gurley. In any year. You know what Brent Venables in year two can't catch? The dust that Keith Marshall kicks up off the turf. Big 12 theories might work in ACC country. But as we proved last year, Grown Man Football is the college football axiom that will never be unproven.

Fourth. Passing the football. RUN. THE. DAMN. BALL. Forever. Then turn around and RUN. IT. BACK.

And last, anything in the world other than this:

If that alone doesn't get your Georgia Red blood pumping a little faster, then I do not know you sir. And I do not care to either.

Back to the defense to close this thing out. I have it on good authority that they've been told the story of Mambogook. If you're not familiar with this tale of Georgia Bulldog football lore, I'll find a moment to relay it to you before kickoff. My point is this: They'll be ready. And unlike 2012, they'll also be hungry.

So stop your fretting over their over-hyped offense. Ease off the ledge. Take my hand and trust in this. We have Gurley. They don't. We have history on our side. They don't. We have a coach that is treating this as a business trip and not a pre-season scrimmage. They don't. It's not a "one-all, end-all deal". Right Dabo? You always wanted a spring game with Dawgs. Well, you better wear your cup tomorrow son. You're getting that and more.

To quote the man himself: "This is the gameplan. We have no alternate plan." See y'all in Clemson. Stick a fork in the off season. Real football is here!

Gameday to meet us in Clempson

Yep. The hype getting hyper.

Also - here's some more details on the show's opener for the season.

Pre-Gameday invades Athens

I feel the hype getting hyper.

via Weiszer

Monday's Meatloaf - Nixon's Minions to open for the White Russian Hackers

11:59pm - mix up a "Caucasian": ice to the rim, two parts vodka, one part Kahlua, one part milk
12:01am - discover that Netflix no longer streams "The Big Lebowski"...YGTBGDKMMFers!!

 It really tied the room together.

12:03am - compose scathing email to Netflix higher ups, incidentally click "Save" instead of "Send" and forget about it...
12:05am - discover that I'm hungry and prepare an advanced tactical move on the pantry
12:21am - clumsily complete tactical maneuver, retreat towards sofa
12:22am - rediscover that "The Big Lebowski" is no longer available to stream on Netflix
12:27am - begin another scathing email, sigh deeply but with a sense of accomplishment. Scratch myself while checking Twitter.
12:28am - piss off the edge of the deck and smile whimsically at my apparent grasp of the world
12:31am - decide to rewatch the Washington episode of "Drunk History"
12:41am - while laughing hysterically at Nixon's dumb ass, discover Lay's Sweet Southern Heat chips crumbs on my Drive By Truckers t-shirt. Curse. Much too loudly.
12:42am - Moan. Also too loudly. Lower volume on the remote by pressing the channel up button. Fall into the bottom a bucket of misery where I can't find the show I was watching and become increasingly convinced UVerse is a communiss organization corrupted by Nixon's minions
12:43am - decide Nixon's Minions is the best name for a punk band I've had since Jimmy Carter's Nutskins
12:47am - finish "cleaning" off my shirt
12:52am - begin search for lost remote.......
2:22am - wake up and take my clean shirt upstairs to brush my teeth and stuff

Today's Ingredients
- I'm certainly no Mark Emmert, but it appears to me that Spencer Hall has sufficiently investigated the FIU nekkidities.
-  Blutarsky looks at a concern that has been developing for quite some time. Also, it's good to have someone like Dr. Courson on staff.
- I've never seen Tyler in a Jeter jersey but I join him in dropping the ESPN channels from my cable package denouncing Colin Cowherd as one of the ones that was probably blathering about Tiger yesterday even as Phil was finishing one of the more remarkable rounds of golf ever seen.
- ICYMI, a terrific read about how Aaron Murray has managed his major and his quarterbacking/team leadership duties. DGD.
- DavetheDawg wraps up the Lamont Gaillard commitment succintly. And with a poll. Also, Chris Wilson is the next governor of Georgia. Probably.
- Andrew discovers that Clempson is good at math. Kind of.
- Terrific read by the ABH's Bowers on how Coach Diaz has made the UGA Tennis program a consistent powerhouse.
- And lastly, another great read by Garbin as to why the recruiting process is so fickle and confoundingly frustrating.

Verify our range to target. ONE ping only.

5:21am - awaken to relieve myself and pat myself on the back for remembering to let the dog out
5:23am - back in bed, wonder if I actually did let the do.....zzzzzZZzzz...
7:23am - roll over, moan
7:38am - awaken refreshed with a pulse, turn phone on and begin search for my shorts
7:38 and a half - phone alerts me to 24 new emails
7:39am - "TWENTY four new emails!! That's abuncha shit right there. Something hazza be up witf that...ugh..."
7:40am - read email from GMail team alerting me that some douchebag in Russia compromised my account and that my password was automatically changed but that I should change it again HELLO DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE TYPED TO YOU AT 3:33 IN THE FRIGGIN' MORNING?!??!?!
7:42am - read email from Google Team again but now with the understanding that they are not actually a Navy Seal Team operating from the middle of the Black Sea.
7:47am - Finally realize that my email has been hacked. Shit.
7:59am - Oh. OK. So this means EVERY contact has been exposed to some type of link telling them to lose weight, send their life savings to eastern Nigeria and satisfy their woman by enlarging their...
8:00am - OOOOOOhhhhhMMMMMMyyyyGGGGGGGooooDDDDDD!!!
8:01am - 8:32am - cry uncontrollably in the fetile position with my shorts half on while enjoying the cool temperature of the bathroom tile is a mixed bag of Life Blows and You Ball So Hard Bro.
8:33am - finish fastening my shorts into an acceptable and semi-fashionable position
8:35am - compose BookFace and Tweet of apology to those who suffered from my horribly inept password, that is now "MenudoRULZ!!"
8:36am - 12:31pm - wait for my Mom to text to see if I'm okay.

Moral: Netlix is communiss bastards that sell your password and killed Donny. Life sucks, but you're not dead yet so don't throw ashes into the wind.

And also don't make White Russians at 11:59am.

Bernie

Georgia. Clempson. Gameday.

Big, if true. Hope Kirk accepts my pre-game invite to relive the 1993 Citrus Bowl.

FASTFORWARD....and press PLAYOFF

**This is a future post, based solely on my skepticism and cynicism in the leadership and current mindset surrounding major college football. Read now or save until 2024.**

Hey Sexton! I want lots a chicken!

Ok, so yesterday as reported by Sr. Lead College Football Analyst Joe Schad on ESPNU3, commissioners from all four conferences met to discuss expanding the playoff format from its current 16 team seeding to 32 or possibly 48 teams. This has long been rumored to be in the works as dwindling funds have many athletic admins scraping by. Just last week South Carolina offered Houston Nutt the head coaching position for just $5.75 million a year. 


What's more is that the University of Texas' operating budget is now dipping below $300 million for the first time in nearly a decade. Longhorn officials cite dwindling football season ticket sales as the #1 culprit as fans save nickels and dimes during the fall so that they can possibly spend the cash on the post-season hotel rooms, seats on Greyhounds and "We're #1!!" foam fingers.


Locally the impact has had similar unsavory results. Just last November attendance at the Georgia-Georgia Tech game was at its lowest since 2018; only 18,000 Georgia fans showed up to cheer the third-stringers and walk-ons at Bobby Dodd after both teams had clinched spots in their all important conference championships.

"Why would I play my best fish fryers on a Dragon Con weekend," responded Tech head coach Paul Johnson. "Lil Timmy can chop block. Just last week he took out Coach Groh's starting DE in drills. I know what it takes to win games next month. I don't care that we haven't won a game against UGA since 2009. This game with the pups means nothing. We're getting ready for Wake Forest and the Super Duper Atlantic Mega Game in Spartanburg SC next week. We want better than the national 13 seed we got last year in Poughkeepsie."

Heh, so long bitches!

And fans continue to clamor for a return to the glory days of the long defunct Bowl Championship Series. Not long after Iowa had beaten California for the Target Stores National Championship Game featuring 2 for the price of 1 Tide cleaning detergent, many pointed to the fact that the Cyclones freshman quarterback Vince Young Jr. had not even played a meaningful snap all season until December. Texas Longhorn DSISTC (Damn Straight I'm Still The Coach!) Mack Brown only chuckled, "I knew they's saving that kid. Nothing wrong with that! Heh, heh!"


But signs still point to a dead BCS. Mike Slive has long left the country on his yacht MONEY BAG$$. He hasn't even been seen since the Summer of 2017 somewhere off the coast of southern France sipping courvoisier from a vintage Ole Miss stadium cup. And he's the only person who has a map to where Sagarin's formula is buried.


So...it appears we're heading towards a larger post-season. Despite the fact that no team ranked higher than 9th all season has won the championship in over eight years. Despite the fact that the champion hasn't won its own conference since Boise State got in as a 7 seed out of the Pac-Mountain-Semi-Western WEED IS FINALLY LEGAL!!! Athletical Conference in 2019. And despite the fact that EDSBS' long running CFB fan poll shows a whopping 99% dissatisfaction rating with the current system.


If there's a silver lining to those long lost years being in the rearview mirror, at least the coaches are still no longer voting. Southern Badass Country Boys Can Survive Athletic Superiority Conference commissioner Mumme has at least been able to keep that off the table. Even the 2021 champion Hawaii Rainbow Obama non-Birthers approve.


Stay tuned as next week we look back at how major television networks used to actually broadcast sporting events, as well as the related article by Sr. ESPN the iMagazine Sportswriter Craig James.

Couple quick notes

Finishing up a bigger post. Some headlines broke yesterday that we can address while I'm dotting t's and crossing i's.

• ESPN's actions yesterday in suspending Bruce Feldman (a giant in his field) for his (granted and approved) participation in Mike Leach's book is deplorable. Reminds me of this coach the other day that stood up and called out the NCAAs VP for enforcement for timely investigating. Why got to such great lengths to prove so publicly that you're a dumbass?
• Tech. Holy crap. Why would NATS go to such great length to prove AJC writers can write negative things about their football program? Especially after the AJC had been so accommodating while the investigation was ongoing. And I'm sorry, there's no way Paul "Bigger Fish" Johnson is gonna let this go without someone's ass on a platter.
• And Samuel is a running back again. So we now have Crowell to run the ball, Samuel to block, Malcome to back them up and Thomas for 3rd and 8s.

Monday's Meatloaf - The Bracketology of Dancing

Today there is something we can say that Tech, Auburn, Bama and Jim Harrick can't...we're dancing baby!

Just stuff it Charles.

After sweating it out most of the weekend, it turned out that we were a virtual lock since the SEC tourney started. We not only made it in the big dance, but we grabbed a 10 seed to boot. This news upsets Lunardi some analysts as well as Updykes other basketball fans. Leaving Bama at home without a date despite losing to them twice in the last week, is hard for many to fathom.

“Georgia got in easily,” analyst Charles Barkley said on CBS. “I thought Georgia should have been in, but everybody had them last four out or last four in, but nobody had them as a 10.” 

But the season didn't start 10 days ago. It started back in November and that's when the Dawgs started working on their resume. While some teams were frantically tying and fiddling with their bow tie this weekend, Coach Fox could point to his RPI and his SOS. There was no need to look in the mirror for one last check.

“This is about a four-month marathon, not a four-day postseason tournament,” Fox said. “I think people forget that.”

The body of work had spoken for itself. Shoes are shined. DJ is plugged in. Raftery's got the onions. Well done Coach Fox. Do us proud!


Today's Ingredients

• Weiszer breaks down the scene at Stegeman when the team found out. Fletcher Page does the same.
• Andrew Miller reminds us that there can be only one true Dawg.
• We'll tip off Friday night in Charlotte after the Heels. Gentry Estes has the full TV slate for the first weekend.
• Got an extra couple hours at work today? Need a clean bracket to scribble on? King's got the hook up.
• Dawgola Tesla wishes Bama well, in the NIT.
• hoopdawg is pretty excited. And like most of us, Exile is surprised by the seeding. He also runs down some other eye-openers.
• Bubba n' Earl are dancing (boy, that's a sight I bet) and looking for hoop fans ready to bust their bracket. ugakerri is also running one, if you have Football Withdrawal.
• When I watched Perno's squad from my soggy seat last Wednesday I thought they were in the midst of turning things around. But I never expected the Diamond Dawgs to sweep the west coast.
• I'm sorry Senator, what's this good Samaritan news concerning the football team of which you speak?
• The Buckeyes sell their soul to win one game against the SEC and now suddenly their fans are acting like a bunch of Updykes.
• They're even forcing Herbie to get his highlights done down south now, kicked him out of Columbus.
• I think Hinton wraps up the Herbstreit saga pretty well. But am I the only one that finds the whole story a little less harmful when this fanatical fan mentioned is a high school kid?
• Now that Hewitt is gone, Rivals has an interesting name as a possible replacement on North Avenue. Personally, I've heard Bob Knight is willing to interview.

And Knight definitely knows how to swing, if you know what I mean. I'm sure Jay Bilas and Furman Bisher would provide their endorsement. Dickie V too. Terrance Moore I hear is sticking with Mike Vick.

Please...help.

But forget all that Dawgs. Let's get to groovin'.

Dawgs can dance if we want to
We can leave the Tide behind
'Cause your nerds don't dance and if they don't dance
Well their bubble burst this time
I say, we can go to Charlotte
A place where the Bizarro Dawgs we will find
And we can act like we come from the Steg
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

That's the end of the meatloaf Reader. Hope it fortifies you on this National Bracket Monday. Remember, if you get a gravy smudge on your printout...you probably don't want to run it through the fax.


Bernie