Friday Misery - pranky and cranky

Is your refrigerator running?

On this episode of "Irascible Midwesterners"...
"Hello, this is Coach Odom returning your call."

"Oh, thanks Barry. My name is Bernie and I just have a few questions."

"It's Coach Odom, or just Coach. Shoot."

"Cool, I was wondering if you'd like to contribute a post to my blog here. Maybe something more in your wheelhouse than college football head coaching. More along the lines of fishing, or word puzzles, or..."

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, head coaching didn't turn out well for you. I just thought a fresh start into something new could potentially benefit both of us." 

"But I'm still the head co..."

"What are some of your non-football related hobbies? Because I definitely don't need you to write about football related things. Like, at all!"

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"Oh, comedy. That'd be great Barry! I'm thinking Monday morning for that one. People need a pick me up on Mondays. What else?"

"Seriously, I'm trying to prepare for Geor..."

"What about resume building or interviewing skills. I mean, you really pulled the wool over former Missouri AD Mack Rhoades' eyes! That's something both useful and comical for my Reader."

"What'd you say your name is again?"

"Bernie. You once recruited me as a linebacker. Even though I'm closer to my next colonoscopy than I am a sub 7.0 forty time. Oh! That's an idea, readers love recruiting tales. You got any stories of Pinkel sharing a box of chardonnay with Chase Daniel's mom?"

"This is bullshit! I'm hanging up. The team's out there stretching and I've got a practice to run!"

"Wait, you're still the Missouri head coach?!!?"

--CLICK --


Bye week appetizer
I can kinda relate to how Barry feels. What a week. Monday kicked me in the <clown noises>, and then Tuesday held me up so both Wednesday and Thursday could take turns poking me in the <more clown noises>. If Kirby's taking orders I'll have another divisional opponent blow out and a gator loss chaser please!

To make matters more confusing, nothing about these tigers scare me...and that scares me. I think I've listened to too many people that have us rolling through the rest of the schedule like a 24lb bowling ball, slipping some Rat-X into Saban's Dasani, and then dancing into the second week of January.

That just sets us up to get punk slapped.

But not this week. I think they take some deep shots early. And Lock may even connect for a cheap score before Tucker's Savages expose them for the one-dimensional-deadbeat-offense that they are. Plus, their defense is not just trash, it's a landfill of Harvey Weinstein "pick up" lines. It's a trailer park casserole filled with possum parts and topped with two month old government cheddar. Chaney can name his number and I hope his goes higher than his waistline.

Georgia ensured one coach of a pink slip on Rocky Top a couple weeks ago. Tomorrow night in Sanford they ensure Odom's as well. The only thing left to bet on is if Barry mentions me in the post-game presser.

Now, remove your hats and please bow your head...Dear God in Heaven, please help our most naive fans steer clear of click bait and realize that the season is played in actual games and not in digital print. And help Tucker make Drew Lock a lock to sit on the bench during a fourth quarter blow out. Go Dawgs and Amen!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

UPDATE
Since I came within two meaningless Vandy touchdowns last week of nailing the final score, it only seems fitting that I take a stab at this one:

GEORGIA - 55
missouri - 7

Friday Misery - one-thirds Odoms, plus Donny, Monica Lewinsky, and cans of paint

I keep reminding myself, “Hey, we won last week man. Chin up!” Yet somehow I just want to curl up into a ball and wallow in my own pool of self pity.

<deep sigh>

So let’s pass this handle of corn liquor around the circle until we all feel like we haven’t been kicked in the balls for six days straight.

Know thine Enemy, much much betterer this time.

By God we are going to do a MUCH more thorough job of researching this week's opponent than the half-assed stuff my staff trotted out there last week for you to digest. Folks from southeast Louisiana been making me eat every word of that mess all week!

So, onto the actual real life facts!

• 

  According to Google, this is neither Dave nor Barry.

  Missouri’s coach is not Gary Robin Pinkel any longer. It’s Barry Odom.
• Coach Odom is NOT the former basketball coach at South Carolina and Wake Forrest.
• Also, Wake Forest actually has one “r” and not two. (See?!? I’m on point this week!)
• The Tigers are quarterbacked by Drew Lock. And just as Barry ain’t Dave’s son, Drew ain’t Andrew Luck’s younger brother. I know this because Luck is spelled with a “u” and not an “o”.
• (Damn, we’re on a roll now!)
• Missouri has played in front of a combined 111,317 people this season, which also happens to be the aggregate attendance of #93KDay’s concession lines.
• The Tigers’ most complete drive of their first two games was a 10 play 80 yard romp late in the game against the West Virginia Mountaineers when their fate had all but been decided.
• Put their offensive stats up against the timeline and backdrop of current events, and it’s clear that Missouri’s offensive coordinator Josh Heupel gave Hillary her pneumonias. Their offense is still getting it’s feet under itsownself.
• Their fans drink from paint cans.

Annoyingly cute.

A puppy just before it shits on the rug. Soccer games. A newlywed couple standing on a beach, making pouty-lipped faces in the direction of their selfie-stick. Charlie, until he bites Harry’s finger. Kittens. Every kitten.

All appropriate similes for Missouri fans.

CLICK BARF

These jokers can’t completely understand Fall Saturdays, bless their hearts. Follow that link in the last bullet point up there. We’ve seen first hand. I mean, their fans go through all the right motions, but they lack intensity, commitment, drive, as well as an ability to fathom college football the way it’s meant to be fathomed.

Exhibit A. Found this excerpt from a site that is now defunct, but it best exemplifies how Missouri fans go through the motions with a haphazard lackadaisicalness that is really cute...until it’s annoying as hell.

"Like a Tiger at the Zou, shake your tail at the gate. Tailgating is one of the oldest traditions in college football. It's simple. Get a tent, some Missouri apparel, maybe a grill, and you're set for a good time."

Uh, I’m gonna zip right past that part about the tiger and his tail and the gate and head straight to this - “maybe a grill”...??

Again, cute until they’re just pissing you off with the nervous smile that is more than a bit overly forced and how they’re all wearing hoodies even though the temperature is easily in the 80s. And we’re just waiting for a cameraman to jump out from behind a tree and everyone says “PUNK’d!! Hahahaha!” Then everyone is actually normal.

But there’s no tree with a cameraman hiding behind it. The weird just gets more weird over yonder.

Remember that scene in The Big Lebowski where Steve Buscemi’s character Donny continually tries to add to the conversation until at long last Walter yells “YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT DONNY!!”

That’s Missouri fans in the SEC y'all. Hopelessly and completely out of their element until some suit with an SEC pin on the lapel takes his head out of his ass and gives Missouri back to the midwest.

Don’t take it too personal Pinkels...ya just ain’t our style of people.

Know thine ownself too and also...

This is us coming down the tracks last Saturday…

And this is us filing out…

By Monday it struck me that college football season is an ever teetering balance between the weight of the questions and the weight of the answers. LOT more questions this week than answers. It’s like that time you were expecting the usual 25 multiple choice test in Government and ol’ Coach Watson doubled it and added an essay.

I strutted on in there like a Jeopardy champion, all “Yo Trebek, gimme System of checks and balances for five benjis!” But I crawled out like a low rent lobbyist that’s been outbid.

You beat North Carolina and you feel like Harry Gotdamn Truman. “Howya like the taste of that nuclear Chubb Fedora? Boo-yah!” Then ya eke out a win over little ol’ itty bitty Nicholls and suddenly your name is Monica and your blue dress needs Martinizing.

Karma is a fickle bitch. When she slaps you back down to Earth you gotta smile back and say, “That all you got lady?”

"Truman ain't never seen these nuclear
codes Baby!"

Look, Eason is fine. We gotta trust him more. You know this because the opposing defenses don’t trust him not to throw over their safeties’ helmets. A night game on the road makes you nervous for the true freshman and an offensive line trying to find its collective identity, but if Rodrigo brings that cannon as a Delta carry-on, and the defense plays aggressive and knocks those receivers off their routes, then I think we’ll be okay.

After all, beating a really over-matched FCS team by two points proves you have some issues - namely a young coaching staff coaching a lot of young players. But if you lose to Missouri, you’ve besmirched all that is sacred about Life in the (real) South.

You win this one for Sweet Tea. You beat that block in the name of Grits. You catch that pass because Lewis and Larry are waiting out an Eternity to light their cigars. You pancake a dude because it’d make your momma proud son!

Let’s win this game because we were prepared to do so. Let’s be the bigger dog in the yard, the one that eats all the bowls of food because no other mutt will stand up and ask us not to. Let’s fight for every yard and claw for every loose ball as if the winner gets the honor of getting grandma’s macaroni pie recipe handed down to them by the Grace of God!

Now, please bow your heads...Dear Lord Almighty, please help us repair the broken button on the Human Joystick. And make sure Chaney brings the Payne!

Sunday's thoughts on overworked uprights

via UGA Paint Line

This is going to begin where it should - the defense.

You're going to hear (and already have most likely) a lot of "well buts" in terms of how anemic Missouri's offense is as an excuse for why the defense looked good last night. Don't know about you but I find those fans' vision extremely near-sighted. We lost to Tennessee because we couldn't tackle. We beat Missouri because we did. Very well.

And that three down stop that began inside the one yard line to start the game was as big as keys to the game get. They score there and we're likely still in bed with a pillow over our heads right now.

Some other important notes on the defense:
- Couldn't help but notice that Jonathan Ledbetter and Natrez Patrick were on the field early.
- Came into the game worried a lot about the Tigers' defensive front spending the night in our offensive backfield. But Pruitt's guys were the more aggressive unit as they racked up nine tackles for loss, including four sacks.
- 42 yards rushing allowed. That's just plain sexy right there.
- My favorite play might have been Sterling Bailey's sack. Just blew up his blocker and devoured Lock for a seven yard loss.
- The only downside to the defense last night was losing Dominick Sanders for the first half of the Florida game. I thought it looked like a bad call, but heard Richt say it was the right one. I'll see if I agree when I rewatch the television version.

The offense is going to continue to take a local, regional, and national pounding for all of the inefficiency before they play again. Schottenheimer and his squad need to have some serious soul searching as they prepare for the final stretch of games. So glad we have an off week. Because although I did find the offense hard to watch at times, I think there's still some tweaks that can make this offense into what we need it to be - ground/clock control that sets up the play action game.

Look, you can't lose a playmaker like Chubb and not have to adjust. That's going to take some time. Yes, we can't afford for it to take longer than the next game on the schedule. But unless you have a second Nick Chubb on the roster (which we don't by the way, I checked) you're going to have some growing pains.
- Especially when you don't have a quarterback that can shoulder the load.
- You're going to be able to find all kinds of really hot takes about Greyson Lambert and the Georgia quarterback play today. I'm not going to beat a dead horse. I've summarized my feelings before with the fact that this is what you get when you don't recruit the position to the level that we need.
- Greyson Lambert is the quarterback at Georgia. I've wanted to see Bauta play since last season ended, but for whatever reason, that's not going to happen. So it's really time for the offensive coordinator to earn that scratch we're paying him.
- Like any quarterback, Lambert works best when he's able to set his feet. That's not always happening in the pocket. He moved outside the pocket a lot more earlier in the season. It seems like now he's being told to step in and make a throw instead of extending the play when he can.
- We saw that last night on the interception to start the game and the almost interception towards the end. The first one was tipped, but it was still a bad throw to make there.
- We have playmakers in Malcolm Mitchell and Terry Godwin that can wreak havoc in the secondary with just a couple more seconds.
- Plus, if Lambert were to roll out just a few times it would open up some of the intermediate routes that he's forcing balls into.
- You say all that and then realize that the guy still completed 72% of his passes. Which is why I think that even though most of the fingers are pointing at the guy wearing the jersey, most of the blame lies at the guy with the playchart.
- That screen pass to the stacked receivers is cute, once. Maybe twice. How long does it take to realize that we're not able to block those guys? Lucky their defensive backs didn't jump one and house it.
- Maybe Schotty was using those quick screens to slow down their edge rushers. But we have other screen passes in the playbook. I know. I've seen them.
- Sony is everything we need in a starting running back. I'm impressed with the way he runs between the tackles and gets into space. With some extra time the next two weeks I think he'll have more space to run as the line adjusts to his style and speed and he adjusts to what he's seeing.
- And that last point is key. Chubb's vision is what makes him elite. And his vision made him patient enough to let things develop. Sony's getting to the action a lot quicker. That should be something they work on a lot before Jacksonville.
- Robert suggested the key may be to have Sony split out into the slot and Keith Marshall in the backfield. I tend to agree, but mostly as a way to avoid rushing Michel to the point of exhaustion by mid-November. #1 needs 20-30 touches a game, but 70% of them can't be runs between the tackles. He's just not built for that.
- I'm sure the offensive line is banged up after these last few games. I think they're still trying to find themselves again after what Bama was able to do. And that was a great, great defense they played last night and held mostly in check. Yes, they gave up several tackles for loss (which is something we talked about leading up to the game). But only two sacks allowed is impressive against that front.

Special teams were good. No touchbacks unfortunately. But the angles and assignments on the coverage were maybe the best this season, as evidenced by Missouri's fumbled punt and that last kickoff.
- Great call putting Mitchell in as a gunner. He and Michel are our most dynamic players. He's a senior and is really leading by example on offense for a young receiving corps. Letting him do the same on special teams was something I was happy to see.
- So we know if a game later in the season comes down to a field goal, set Morgan up (if possible) in the middle where he's money. That left hash must be where I tee off every time Mrs. Bernie lets me play golf.
- Barber's punts won't stand out on the stat line, but he had three inside the 20. In a game that relies so heavily on field position, that was so important.
- Godwin looks as comfortable returning punts as Steve Spurrier does quitting on his team. Easy, smooth, and as fast as a lightning strike!

Whew. That was a lot. I know I've missed some things. We'll hit on them later in the week. I could use a nap. Go Dawgs!

the Friday Misery addresses the red clay on Grandma's rug

In a week of crazy college football news, I'd like to take a moment to address the bastard in the corner.

You see, when someone "resigns", people are naturally inclined to say nice things. They do this for one of two reasons: 1) they like the guy, or 2) the don't like the guy but are super excited to see the asshole leave and want to say something positive in an attempt to show they're the bigger person.

Bull. Shit. Spurrier was, is, and always will be a prick. If you don't think so, tune in tomorrow when he stumps for his own cause on national television under the guise that he just did something selfless for the South Carolina program, all while the team continues to play out the schedule that the ol' ball coach was too scared to face hisownself. And those ESPN dipshits in suits will pucker up for that ass until it gleams brighter than the day Satan birthed him.

The ol' Cock Coach doing his "bend over buddy"
exercises, in perpetuity.

Argue that he's one of the best to ever coach...okay, if you really feel so inclined. Talk about how he revolutionized the forward passing game...hey, I get it if you feel you must. But don't pretend he's a saint when that douchebag would push over your grandma in the express checkout lane if her 16th item was her prescription blood thinner medication.

Coming to grips

The self-loathing is understood. The bickering is to be expected. And the descension in the ranks is all too familiar.

We ain't what we thought we were. That's on us. It's not on Greyson Lambert. It's not on the long concession lines. It's on us. We smiled and waved during every bit of the media hand jerking. We convinced ourselves the gamecocks beat down was something to build upon, only to find out it was just another empty-caloried cupcake.

The sooner we accept the fact that we brought this misery on ourselves the sooner we can stop pretending we have all the answers. 

When all we really have are questions.

Southern hospitality

A brief historical perspective to clarify the here and now...

In this youthful rivalry, the away team has always come out on top. We went out west to witness the first edition and those midwesterns were as accommodating as they were dumbfounded when you asked them why the tea wasn't sweet. They bent over backwards to apologize for the "old man football" comment and they pretended to not care about professional baseball more than college football.

Pinkel in yet another Moment of "Zin"

So cute. Until the next year when we rolled out the red carpet, injured their quarterbacker, then promptly shit the bed. And of course last season back in Columbia Brendan Douglas went head over heels and the paper tigers took the weekend off.

So this being hospitable bullshit ends tomorrow night. I mean, right? These bastards have been geographically misplaced for more than three seasons now. The newness of having a team from way out yonder in the conference has all but worn off, so there's no reason to even go open the door for them. They know where the beer is. Let em get it theirowndamnself. They know to say "Yes ma'am" when they're addressing Mrs. Bernie and they know we don't talk about basketball season before the leaves finish their grand descent.

I hope this message is clear - this ends now. Southern hospitality gives way to tough love tomorrow night. It's like when your cousin Zeke didn't wipe his feet before going into Grandma's house and tracked red clay on her grandma's rug that was the only thing survived that fire back in 18 hundred something and then your Uncle Pete took Zeke out back and gave him a whatfor.

Nothing personal, just the way we do the things we do. Because then Uncle Pete picked ol' Zeke up and helped dust him off, smiled, and said "If you ever leave your goddamn brains by the front door, you better damn well leave your boots there too!"

Gary Robin Pinkel will walk right in here, grab the jug of chardonnay from the fridge, plop down on Grandma's sofa her father bought right before he lost his job in 1929, prop his feet up on the coffee table, loosen his belt, drink straight from the bottle, change the channel to some Lifetime movie, and then lay a fart right there just as you're suggesting he take his feet down please goddammit and thank you.

Don't let Gary Robin Pinkel fart on your grandmother's Depression Era couch. Now, bow your head...Dear Lord, please help us tackle tomorrow as if Zeke is climbing up the steps and reaching for the screen door handle. And also, GOD BLESS CHUBB! Go Dawgs!

58 carries. 210 yards.

It has little to do with this two game skid, but I just can't get comfortable thinking about this Homecoming game. And I'm not alone either as I've heard many question the 16+ point spread.

Why?

Is it the fact that it's a night game? Is it Missouri's record (which happens to be the same as Georgia's)? Or is it last year's game in Columbia when the Dawgs absolutely humiliated Missouri? Chubb and Co. carried the load 58 times for 210 yards on the way to a 34-0 victory.

But even that isn't reliable evidence. Missouri's defensive front is young, but man are they talented. Just looking at the tackles for loss, last year the team had 104 on the season and this year through six games they have 57. Leading the way is sophomore lineman Charles Harris with 11.5 TFLs amongst his 29 total tackles. Then there's redshirt freshman Walter Brady who has 8.5 TFLs, 6 sacks and an interception.

All that to say that this isn't the same defense that got railroaded last year. But it'll need to a similar performance from Georgia's offensive line if we're going to be able to end the skid. Schottenheimer is running the ball at about a 58% clip. If the o-line comes ready for the challenge it might allow their offensive coordinator to get closer to last year's 67/33 split in favor of running the ball.

And I think that would mean very good things for this offense Saturday night.

Ball security a big key against Missouri

Different year, same old Mizzou. I've seen the Vegas lines, and I know it's a night game against a team that has really, really struggled this season, but we know what it looks like to lose to these guys at home.

Which is why despite what many fans and Vegas oddmakers think will be an easy victory for the Dawgs, this Homecoming game could be spoiled if the Tigers get a turnover or two.

With an offense struggling to identify its identity, much less score points, the Tigers (4-2, 1-2 Southeastern Conference) have needed their defense to keep games competitive.

Sound familiar?

It should.

Mizzou went through a similar stretch last season and was able to tread water in the SEC East long enough to win the division title behind a suffocating defense that created its own fortune with turnovers and favorable field position.

This year, through three league games, the equation has been simple: Takeaways equal victory.

Missouri’s defense, leading several statistical categories in the SEC, forced three turnovers against South Carolina on Oct. 3 and the team won by two touchdowns. Against Kentucky and Florida, the Tigers didn’t get a takeaway and lost both games.

In other words, the margin is thin for Missouri. And that's right where Coach Pinkel has succeeded since they joined the SEC.

Sunday Thoughts on Grown Chubb Football

Georgia wins, Missouri loses, and Sakerlina doesn't win. So pretty damn good day.

- My first thought after the game was over was that if we thought we showed them some Grown Man Football in 2012, we were wrong. Dude, that was just a whoopin'.

- Possible I missed a few, but I had the number of times Gurley was mentioned about even with Chubb.

- That being said, "Baby Gurley" made me puke a bit in my mouth every time I heard it.

- I guess the big question for us is, "When did your nervousness relent?" Only getting a couple field goals despite two early turnovers was uneasy. Then the Tigers came out hot in the second half and I found myself reminding my kids (who had pronounced the game over about an hour prior) that this was a team that came back from twenty down to beat the one team that beat us.

- But Bobo wasn't done. Nick Chubb and Brendan Douglas weren't done. And Pruitt wasn't done either.

- So...turnovers, pressuring Mauk, or time of possession...where do we start? Logic and reason say with the pressure applied to Mauk.

- The defense yesterday was a thing of beauty. Pruitt mixed in different looks for the Missouri quarterback and let his guys go to work. As a result, Mauk spent much of the afternoon on the run with not much of anywhere to throw the ball.

Hey dude, you want this? Here you go.

- And the run defense was much better than I anticipated. Those are two good running backs and as a team Missouri was averaging 178 yards a game on the ground. Georgia held them to 50 yards total.

- Back to the pressure up front, Missouri was 0-7 on third down and Mauk finished 9-21 for 97 yards. Oh yeh, and four interceptions. When he was on the run (when he is the most dangerous and the most likely to covert third downs) he only completed one pass that I remember.

- Overall, a confident defense playing lights out on the road? Yes, I think I like that a lot.

- Next, turnovers. The secondary just seemed to always have the play in front of them. The Missouri receivers are not what Pinkel usually has in terms of talent, but the Pruitt's defensive backs were rarely trailing the play like in previous games.

- The beneficiaries were Mauger, Swann and Sanders. Mauger had two picks!! They just always seemed to know where Mauk was going.

- And the Mauk fumble, man, God bless Leonard Floyd's long arms! (Just watched that play again while typing this and the wife would like to add that he was obviously being held too.)

- The time of possession was skewed heavily in Georgia's favor, mostly due to being +6 in the turnover margin. 42:23 to 17:37. Wow.

- Missouri had 12 drives, only one went for more than four plays. Only four plays in Georgia territory, three of which were interceptions. They were never even in field goal range and only sniffed the goal line once on the last play of the half, a play that ended with a dropped pass that was perfectly placed. And a holding penalty.

- The only word to describe it is dominating.

- And while that word can be used to describe Georgia's punishing rushing attack, it can also be used to describe Hutson Mason's afternoon. Yes, he "managed" the game well, but he also made some throws we haven't seen much of since the bowl game. That touchdown pass to Bennett was perfect. And Bobo used Mitchell well on the outside to stretch Missouri's defense enough to create room for Chubb and Douglas.

Great game. I'm hopeful we'll get Gurley back for the next game. Regardless, Little Rock presents a difficult road test. Halfway through, it's been an eventful season and a very tumultuous week. But Georgia now is firmly in the driver's seat nonetheless.

Go Dawgs!

Two keys to a columbian victory

There's no need to worry about running Gurley inside the four on first down in this town. Thanks Bryan Allen. Asshole.

1. Protect the football. Win the turnover battle is always key, especially on the road.
2. Give Maty happy feet. I think we can stop their running game, at least enough. But Mauk's dangerous. So we have to pressure him without losing containment. If he develops a rhythm then we lose the opportunity to force the third and longs.

Chin up Dawgs! Let's get this one.

Friday Misery - the #WildHONKEY and the Pinkel

[sips on a cocktail]
[writes post leaning heavily on the best football player in the nation]
[phone blows up]
[best football player in nation suspended indefinitely]
[chugs entire liquor cabinet while holding down DELETE button]
[burps]
[repositions fingers over keyboard...]

YGTBFKM
We can't have anything nice. Not ONE gotdamn thing. People are telling you "Well we weren't going to win many games anyway so we might as well start towards 2015." And they're full of shit. Others are telling you "Well, Georgia's just snakebit and full of rotten luck. Was bound to happen this way, honestly." Bullshit. Luck is for losers and gray-haired ladies sitting at the nickel slots.

If I'm Coach Richt I'm dragging 70 tackle footballers out west, sitting their ass down in the locker room, staring them in the face, and saying "You've heard for two months how you're a one man team. Now's your time to prove you're more than that. We lost with Gurley on the sideline last year. You gonna lose again without him? Well, ARE YOU?!? Are you gonna lose to those guys again Jordan Jenkins? How 'bout you Conley? Swann? 

Now. Right now. NOW's the time to prove we can throw the goddamn football. NOW's the time to prove the Georgia Bulldogs are a team and not just a player on award watchlists and espn highlights and Lou Holtz's tricky tongue. Now get out there and get all medieval on their tiger-striped ass!"

But, I am not Coach Richt. I am just a Bernie. And I'm here to tell you that...

Maty doing a really shitty Johnny
Money Fingers impression.

Serve no whine before its time

...it really pisses me off that the Missouri Eff'n Tigers won the division last year. IN THEIR SECOND GODDAMN SEASON! Are you kidding me? That actually happened? We actually and Honest to Herschel let that shit happen? 

A year and a half after sitting down, officially, at the big boys table, they're at the head slurring their speech while sloshing their zinfandel and drunkenly waving a turkey leg. Sure, there's Pinkel, face down in the macaroni pie with his chinos half-zipped muttering his way through the alphabet. Backwards. And there's Maty Mauk with his cute little name and his douchy halloween costume.

And not one...NOT ONE...Jarvis Jones in sight to bring the damn pain.

What pisses me off more than Missouri setting up shop in Atlanta? Glad you asked. Because it's me. It's you. It's us.

We all piss me off. Bitching, moaning, belly-aching, and whining about this and that. The secondary can't cover. My oatmeal is too hot. Hutson Mason threw two touchdown passes that Brice Ramsey should've been on the field for against Vanderbilt. We only beat Vanderbilt by 24 points because we suck and now Tech fans are saying hateful things to me at work. I think I have a planters wart on my foot and now my oatmeal is too cold.

Lighten up Francis and set your f---king jaw. Muck Fizzou....Okay. That's about enough. But before we close, here's one thing that is absolutely righteous. Take it away Gary:

yes! Love it! #WildHonkey steps in for #WildB3AST RT @Gary_A_Morris: @BernieDawg any chance we line Douglas up in the wild Honkey formation?
— Bernie (@BernieDawg) October 9, 2014

'Cuz you know what Brendan Douglas always brings to games right? His truck motor and iron shoulder shivver. Let us pray...Dear Lord. Bless Mizzou's little heart. And help them make some damn sweet tea. Amen.

Missouri fans drink leaded paint

If you're heading out to ColaWest for the first time, I feel obligated to share with you footage of our trip out there in 2012. It was a good time. They are very nice people. Weirdly courteous, overly accommodating, nervously gracious, but nice folks.

Of course, they drink from paint cans. So that might explain a little something^*.

h/t @namaman

^*That's assuming they haven't all turned into a bunch of self-absorbed pricks now that they're the defending SEC East champions.

So if it comes down to a kick on Saturday...

I mentioned this briefly yesterday, but this indictment comes from the local media.

On the flip side, fan patience for junior kicker Andrew Baggett is beginning to run thin. While his extra point was ultimately the deciding point against South Carolina, he did splice a 48-yard field goal attempt particularly wide. Baggett is four-for-seven on the season, which is a failing grade for any kicker. The jury may still be out on the junior, but his kicking blunders could very well cost the Tigers again before the season is done.

Steckel wants to grab Gurley's body parts

They're singing a familiar tune over in Columbia MO.

“We’ve really got to grab body parts,” Steckel said. “If you go high, he’ll run you over. If you go low, he’ll jump over the top of you. The key is grabbing body parts. Yes, I don’t care what body part we grab … as long as it’s not the back of the neck or the facemask.”

The Missouri defensive coordinator and his sophomore linebacker understand that stopping Gurley isn't an option, but slowing him down just might be enough.

via

Anything less than 150 yards for Gurley might be considered a victory of sorts for Steckel’s defense. In Georgia’s lone loss, South Carolina limited Gurley to 131 yards on 20 carries.

“That’s probably why (South Carolina) won the game,” Missouri linebacker Michael Scherer said. “What they were doing was they had a group around him every time he touched the ball. There was more than one person trying to get him to the ground.”

And it's the fourth quarter that will separate the men from the boys.

Scherer watched enough film of Gurley during Mizzou’s bye week to recognize one of the most remarkable parts of his game: Gurley has averaged 10.6 yards a carry in the fourth quarter, the best average by any player with at least 15 fourth-quarter carries. Four of Gurley’s nine runs of 20 yards or more have come in the fourth quarter.

“Some teams get worn down by the end of the game, and that’s when he really gets a lot of his yards,” Scherer said. “He’s still running as hard in the fourth quarter as he was in the first quarter.” 

Early thoughts on Missouri

First and foremost, both very disappointed and very pleased in the kickoff time. The fact that it's at noon really put a monkey wrench in my weekend plans. On the other hand, nooners on the road are often preferable, especially with so many young players.

• The trend this season is to first look at the opposing offense. Can they pass the football effectively? How talented are their receivers? How polished is their quarterback? Can they pass protect?
• They are 10th in the conference in rushing the football, averaging 178 yards per game.
• They are a little better at passing, where they rank 9th in the conference and average 222 yards per game.
• This Missouri team isn't missing Henry Josey, who left early after gaining over 1100 yards last season, as much as you might think. Russell Hansbrough is on track to math Josey's 2013 numbers. By comparison, Josey averaged 6.7 yards per carry last year and Hansbrough is averaging 6.27. 
  
• However, it was their senior running back Marcus Murphy that lead the team in rushing against South Carolina. He has a hundred less yards than Hansbrough on the season and is averaging nearly two yards less per carry, but he consistently found space with the football against the Gamecocks - 16 carries and 98 yards.
• Still, it was Hansbrough that scored Missouri's three touchdowns on rushes on 18, 1 and 1 yards.
• But the key offensive player is Maty Mauk. He's the kind of quarterback that can hurt you with his arm, but devastate you with his feet. He's not an electrifying passer or runner, but can extend plays with his mobility. And that's scary.
• However, against SC he did not play well. His completion percentage was a paltry 35%, and the Gamecocks contained him very well as he only had nine yards on the ground. As a result, the Tigers were 2/16 on third down. Somehow, they still won. Quite possibly because they converted on all three fourth down attempts.
• Defensively, their leaders are Kentrell Brothers (linebacker, #10), Michael Sherer (linebacker #30) and Shane Ray (d-line, #56). Ray leads the team in sacks with seven.
• Despite their light schedule thus far, Missouri is a middle of the pack defense statistically. They're 8th in rush defense and 9th against the pass. That comes in the form of wins against South Dakota St., Toledo and Central Florida, the loss to Indiana, and then the win in Columbia.
• With the extra week I think they'll be planning to work on their time of possession, which through five games is just over 28 min/game. They'll want to continue their balance on offense, run both Hansbrough and Murphy a lot to set up some looks downfield. The more they can do that the more Gurley will have to sit and watch.
• They'll also try to create mismatches with our linebackers, most likely with their TE Sean Culkin and Murphy out of the backfield. They'll do this because that's what every team does.
• One key to keep in mind, their kicker has missed nearly as many field goal attempts (3) as he's made (4). However, Andrew Baggett has a touchback percentage on kickoffs that is absurd - 64%.

This is a big game. Will go a long way to determining how the rest of the season shakes out.

At least they were impressed by the fans...

Like many of us, Pinkel was not impressed with our defense.

Now with the New York Jets, neither was Sheldon Richardson.

But if you were in attendance and at your seat for pregame, please pat yourself on the back.

Gameday - battle tested or battle weary?

I think it's the former. And that is something we know these pansies from the midwest are not, having blitzed through a slate of games my daughter's flag football team could manage.

Anyway, here's some thoughts as I hit the road for Athens:

• Can we have the old Quayvon back? We caught a nice glimpse, but then he all but disappeared. I think there's more than has been alluded to (couple missed assignments against North Texas, Hall playing more consistently). There could be more there, regardless it'd be nice to see him in there even more than we saw last week. As much as I like me some Merritt Hall, Quayvon is a difference maker there and seals the edge so well on those basic pitch runs to the tailback.
• Speaking of basic plays, does Bobo dumb things down dial things back today offensively? He's got more younger players taking the field than he has in a while. Plus, there has to be a concerted effort to keep Missouri's offense off the field. And then if need be, can the offense switch gears fast enough if it becomes yet another shoot out?
• And speaking of concerted efforts, can we play as a whole team today? Can the special teams, offense and defense rise together to greet this very occasion with similar levels of intensity, focus and sheer will? I really want to see more pressure on Franklin, and I think that's where we see the difference in the schedules pay off for Georgia as opposed to the team with all the cupcake icing around their mouth.

Our offensive and defensive lines have been grinding things out for over a month. Most games are won in the trenches. I like our chances right there.

Go Dawgs!

Friday Misery - the legend of Gary Robin Tinkel

From Bleakipedia:

Despite having a girl's name, Gary Robin Tinkel is an American football coach and part-time drunk. He has escaped unemployment both easily and miraculously at the same time since being hired by the University of Missouri in 2001. He has also pissed away jobs as a fry cook (twice), coach and burrito food truck entrepreneur in Toledo, which is both a city and a university. Before upgrading to cognac as his drink of choice, he slammed cheap beer as a recreational hobby while an assistant in Washington, which is the captial of our democratic goverment [redacted by your local congressman], a state in the northwest, and a university.

Early Years - Tickel was born on tapioca day at the local Akron hospital. Throughout his primary education experience he maintained a solid C average and ate a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich for lunch. Every day. All of them. He lived with his family on Erie Lake Lane in a modest house on land derelict of any trees, yet under constant shade. Weird.

While in college at Kent State, Tinkel laid all kinds of women with low self-esteem and suspect eating habits while sharing bedrooms with the likes of Nick Saban, Jack Lambert and the actor that portrayed Snuffeupagus on Sesame Street. He also received his first ever grade of B in "English 102", but it was widely speculated he had copied an essay on the desegregation of the South from the football team's third string tight end. The case went before a student judiciary committee for review, but was thrown out when it was confirmed that Tinkel himself was the third string tight end.

Red red wine make you feel so fine.

Another strange anecdote from Tinkel's days at Kent State includes a squirrel, a six pack of Rolling Rock, a block of Velveeta cheese, and LeBron James' grandfather. During a trial involving his tempestuous relationship with Chrissy Hynde all evidence of the fat, drunk, and confused squirrel in the pants of LeBron James' grandfather was sealed by Hon. Judge Reginald James III, LeBron's great uncle. A month later Tinkel received his bachelor's degree in inconsequential physics with a minor in processed cheese, both canned and otherwise packaged.

Coaching Career - Tinkel brought the MACdaddy back to the ACTion in middle American tackle football. He did this with three parts false bravado, two parts Pepe Lopez tequila and a generous dash of Aqua Velva. He walked away from Toledo (both the city and the University) having added one conference championship, three western division titles, and four under the table DUIs. "I havth had many sutcthesses herrrrre at ToLEEEdo. Not the leesh of whitch is being able to walk a yellows line after Takeeya Toosdays," Tickel proclaimed in his now infamous closing press conference, just before mistakenly boarding a Greyhound bus bound for Syracuse NY.

But eventually he stumbled his way into the midwest and it was in Columbia, Missouri that Tinkel really started to come into his own, both as a coach and a slurrer of speech. In Columbia he's compiled an impressive record that has made him the second winningest coach in Mizzou history, a feat that is sure to stand for probably a whole decade. Entering the 2013 season Tinkel has even more SEC wins (2) as he does BIG 12 titles (0). Additionally, he hosts a weekly podcast from his basement where he drinks Courvoisier while reading Hemingway against a backdrop loop of the "Big M of the Midwest" playing the Tigers' fight song.

Personal - Stammering his way through the tricky chorus of "HIT IT! HOORAY! HURRAH!" and picking up wins against average college football teams isn't all Tinkel has been able to accomplish during his tenure at the University of Missouri. He's also an accomplished drinker of red wine, skilled at having dinner with friends, proficient at forgetting a good third of the alphabet during a field sobriety test, pleading guilty to these offenses, and surrendering large portions of his salary. Just last year he added significantly to his resume by impregnating a younger woman out of wedlock and divorcing one within it. All of this while managing to keep both his team and podcast afloat.

In other words, Gary Robin Tinkel is the midwest's twenty-third most interesting man. 

From Wikipedia:

Mark Richt - Awesome dude.

The point of all that you ask? Tomorrow on one sideline you'll have a man still chasing his own demons. On the other...a Grown Man Football Coach that'll chew your ass up and then throw a benji with your name marked on it in the collection plate the next morning.

Tigers..."show me" your cute stripes...
Missouri is the "Show Me" state. And while we're at the part of the post where we address relatively obscure facts, remember that their college tackle football team is also an actual SEC tackle football team now. This isn't the back end of a home and home. It's a get there early and hunker down SEC East showdown. Georgia might be in the driver's seat for the East title this early, but Pinkel is reaching for the steering wheel. And we've just addressed what happens when he drives.

I haven't written much this week about prepping for these Tigers. I intended to because this REALLY IS a big game. They haven't played anybody except for Sisters of the Poor and Vanderbilt. And their defense is circumspect to say the least. However, their offense is quite dangerous and should've been given more attention in the days leading up to this week's kickoff. I apologize for not adding the necessary weight to this contest. I will punish myself with bourbon, profusely and aggressively.

On the other hand, they're still paper tigers that are just begging to be punched in the mouth. Once that happens they'll be exposed again as a johnny come lately wannabe legitimate SEC contender pretender.

Look, just do your part. Be even LOUDer than you are PROUD. Raise up the code RED and they'll show their cute stripes before they turn tail and run. Jenkins with VELOCIRAPT their ass. JJ Green will name his number. Murray will do Murray type things as cool as the other side of the pillow. Richt will tell an official he'll pray for his sorry effin' ass in church Sunday. Marshall Morgan will boot a kickoff through the uprights and the back judges will confusingly raise their arms and award Georgia four points. Scott Howard will give Eric Zeier a fistbump. 'Marlo Herrera will devastate a little running back on a draw play causing a fumble. Mrs. Bernie will punch me in the chest and scream "BOO-YAH!!". Quayvon Hicks will slap a bitch down trying to come and block a punt. Jay Rome hurdles TWO safeties after catching a seam route for six. Stadium cups will be refilled and GEORGIA DAMN BULLDOGS WILL JUST GO ON ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF BEING GEORGIA DAMN BULLDOGS!!

And Pinkel will Tinkel his pants.

Hunker down y'all. See ya in Athens.