Two keys to 4-0

1. tackle hard
2. run hard

To be clear, do #1 when they have the ball; #2 all damn day.

Everybody got it? Okay. See y’all in Athens!

Friday Misery - It's Tricky to not get fat

Despite spending an entire Saturday feasting on chicken, the greedy, rapacious pig turns to vats of cheese balls, bags of pork rinds, processed cheese foods, and spoonfuls of sour cream.

It should go without saying that it gets ugly...

buncha fat bastards

Auburn was fat against Jacksonville State and they needed an overtime session of deep knee bends to escape with a victory. Bret Bielema can’t keep his fat mouth closed and it’s cost him some dignity Arkansas some check marks in the win column. Ohio State is deep into the process of getting fat on all of their scheduled cupcakes and Northern Illinois nearly huskie’d them out of their pre-arranged slot in the CFBOMGPLAYOFFS™.

Sharpen your pencils Dawgs. I’ve got a question for you. What can you learn from those half-assed examples?

[crickets….]

PUT THAT PACKAGE OF DOUBLE-STUFFED OREOS DOWN…otherwise you’re going to go and attempt your tackle of Willie Quinn and get thrown off like a trigga tray.

Down...Set...JUKE!

Let me introduce y’all to somebody. He’s equal parts badass and superior technique. He’s as fluid as Walter Payton and can drop the hammer harder than Dick Butkus. He’s but a freshman, yet his talent is incomparable. He once hiked the football to himself, threw a 15 yard out, ran downfield, took the lateral with one hand while stiffarming an all-state linebacker with his other, dipped his shoulder, plowed through a safety, and scampered the remaining 76 and a half yards for the touchdown.

In the post-game locker room he interviewed himself for the local radio station and then finished his Precalculus while combing his hair. He wanted to look fresh for his high school sweetheart when they met for chocolate milkshakes at the Tast-EEE-freeze.

So stick your fat paw out there Reader and shake David-Michael Carrell’s hand.

Firm grip huh? He’ll use that same grip tomorrow to destroy your hopes and dreams with just one snap of the ball. You’ve been contemplating hard for Alabama and the Crimson Tusks ever since The Visor disengaged his headset last Saturday. You’ve been talking all week about air finger quotes The Road to Atlanta air finger quotes You’ve been message boreding since Sunday about air finger quotes The Playoff Chances air finger quotes. And you’ve been promising the little lady that “Oh sure honey, I’ll stay home from the game and paint your toenails Saturday afternoon as long as you’ll make that cheese dip for the Bama tailgate...smoochy smoochy smoochy.”

You make me sick and WIPE THOSE OREO CRUMBS AND THE GODDAMN CHEESE DIP OFF YOUR SLACK JAW SON!

Cuz while you’ve been drooling on your Dell Inspiron 500xKLps38RG21 you bought off Craigslist even though it had the missing * key, and while you’ve been blathering on and on to your neighbor over the chain link fence, gotdamn David-Michael Carrell's been practicing. He’s been watching film. He’s been carrying little Adelaide Jean-Pierre Paul’s books to class.

He’ll lay in wait for that moment when your tired ass trumbles clumsily down the steps towards the concession stand for your third refill of Coca-Cola and fifth refill of stale ass popcorn, just when you’re content that the defense has stopped the Jaguars and forced a punt, David-Michael Carrell gonna smile when the captain calls the play in huddle. Just two words….It’s Tricky.

If there’s one thing fat, lazy bastards can’t detect it’s the few moments before their own pants get pulled down. Shanked. While you’re scrambling around with your stained Wranglers around your ankles, David-Michael done somehow snapped the ball to hisowndamnself. Up in the middle of the thirty-eight Southern University fans that made the trip, several rows above the Human Jukebox himself, a loud cry rains down.

“RUN D-M C!! RUN D-M C!!”

Your cognizance catches its breath and you shake the fuzziness out your earholes where it slithers down your neck just before you manage the only words that make any damn sense in this world, the same world that’s so suddenly been turned upside down and bassakwards….

“OH. SHIT.”

On the field, where the score was somehow 17-9 in the third quarter, David-Michael Carrell has hurdled, spun around, juked, jived, bowled over, and sprinted past every single special teamer Coach Mark Richt could legally trot out onto the field to score the Jaguar’s first touchdown. The roars haven’t even begun to subside when D-M C tacks on the two point conversion out of the Wild My Adidas formation.

WTF?!?!? Tie game. All your Georgia bros in the stands suddenly are remorseful for the snickering and the taunting they did at Abuurn two weeks ago. Because the beloved Dawgs are too heading towards overtime against what they were told and were telling themselves was a vastly inferior opponent. It ain’t fun when the tables turn y’all. You suddenly wish you’d laid off the canned whipped cream you spread all over those greasy pork chops Tuesday night before you washed em all down with a two liter of cream soda. You wish you’d’ve said no to that Crisco and Cookie Crumbles Cheesecake Wednesday evening while you watched Dancing with the Stars and sipped slurped Cheerwine. No, not the slice of Crisco and Cookie Crumbles Cheesecake. The entire Crisco and Cookie Crumbles Cheesecake.

"The whole damn cheesecake? You be illin'.

Fat is lazy. Fat is crumbs on your tired ass needs to be ironed 2008 Matthew Stafford Wal-Mart jersey. Fat is bad life choices. Fat is assuming transitive properties and oh by the way and anyhoos Sakerlina’s chickens are better than Southern’s jaguars.

Fat is you today. Fat is NOT you tomorrow. Get your ass home and eat a gotdamn celery stick. Logoff the DawgVent for one friggin’ moment. Pretend you don’t want to just drop that log of Velveeta into the deep fryer at your cousin Pete’s house. Cousin Pete ain’t met David-Michael Carrell. Cousin Pete ain’t had a belt that’s fit since Quincy Carter’s last pass in Columbia SC. Cousin Pete’s “tummy tuck” doctor gave him a Nutri-Slim coupon and a pat on the back. Cousin Pete likes to talk.

You're here today because you want to listen. So here you go...

You need to walk right into Sanford Stadium tomorrow with a briefcase full of respect, straighten that business tie and take your seat. Tackle Damn Football happens whether you’re prepared or not. Tackle Damn Football is between two teams that are hungry and haven’t been fed all week. Their fans want more. Their fans NEED more. Their fans don’t WORRY ABOUT GODDAMN ALABAMA A WEEK IN F---ING ADVANCE!

Either shake David-Michael Carrell’s hand. Or watch him run right by your ass.

Now, let us pray. “Dear Lord, please don’t let the human jukebox and the longsnapper get too tricky. I repent my gluttonous ways and put my faith in Lawrence Harry Munson who always warned me to not get too big for my own damn silver britches. Amen.”

Lambert right at home

He's setting records, dating the soon-to-be Miss Georgia, and running the offense at his preferred pace.

“We’re trying to go at breakneck speed, as fast as we can,” Lambert said. “As the knowledge progresses and we get a little more comfortable each and every week with the offense, the faster we can go and make our calls. Hopefully we’ll be going faster every week.”

This week, Lambert said the offense was executing its high-tempo package in practice to the point where time would be left over during certain periods of team drills. If the offense gets through a set number of plays within a given time frame, it gets a break before the next period of practice begins.

And when you look at Lambert's numbers last season as compared to three games in this season, it's like one of those DirectTV commercials.

UVA - comp 59%, 6.3 yards/attempt, 115.74 rating
UGA - comp 74.1%, 10.1 yards/attempt, 187.61 rating

Long way to go, but I would imagine Lambert is going through something of what Georgia fans felt like that week in January 2014 when Grantham was bought from us and Pruitt landed in our lap.

An offensive coordinator that knows what he's doing, an offensive line that actually blocks, and a stable of talent around him. Go play the Powerball Greyson. Assuming the NCAA will let you.

Dominick Sanders' motivation

Nice piece on one of Pruitt's up and comers by Sarah K. Spencer on where Sanders gets his drive to excel, both on field and off of it.

"I just picture him watching me, watching over me, and that just gets my blood going and I just tell myself every day I'm going to execute, and I'm going to do it for him," Sanders said.

Humpday Hilarity - OBC slangin' Dr. Peppers

Courtesy of @BassinDawg, a glimpse of Spurrier post-retirement press conference working hard at his new job.

Schotty gon' shoppin'?

The ink isn't even dry on Lambert's new NCAA record and the AJC is already shopping off our new offensive coordinator to a head coach gig somewhere (program TBD).

This will be the point when the two connecting stories finally part ways. Lambert will have found a home in Athens, and Schottenheimer will be free to start looking for one again. The longtime assistant that has already interviewed for at least two head coaching jobs and was rumored to have interest in at least two more over the last decade will be an attractive name on the market once again because of the newest line on his resume. And this time he will probably get one of those head coaching positions he covets so much because he would be able to say, “Did you see what I did with Greyson Lambert?”

Schotty, we hardly knew ya!

What happens when his quarterback throws a pick against Southern this Saturday? Or lines up under right guard in a couple weeks to Uncle Verne's chuckles? Or steps on Chubb's ankle in a clumsy backfield exchange?

In other words, Saturday night was tons of fun. but we're three games into a long season. Let's not get too carried away, shall we?

The Gamecock rewatch

Some final notes and observations after watching the televised version yesterday. Let's start the only place you can after that game, with Greyson Lambert.

The only blemish for Lambert on what really was about a perfect a day as a quarterback can have was a few wide open receivers downfield that were missed somehow. I wouldn't even mention it considered the day that Lambert had throwing the ball, except that there have been a few of these a game that he's either not seen or checked into a closer option. My analysis is that he is set on one option pre-snap most of the time (remember, he's only been on campus a couple months).

Otherwise, Lambert was a a machine. Seriously, he never made a questionable throw. Even the one incompletion was a ball thrown where the defender could not make a play on it. The Jay Rome completion was a dart that set up the first touchdown nicely. The back shoulder fade to Mitchell was reminiscent of another #11's signature throw in recent memory. And when Lambert's checks allowed some measure of a pass rush to develop, he appropriately extended the play or tucked it and ran.

In short, Lambert unequivocally shut up the doubters. I think the progressions downfield is something worth keeping an eye on as he continues to mature under quality coaching. But how can you argue against him being the starter on a team that doesn't need a world-beater? Just a smart guy that can make the throws and the handoffs alike.

Onto the bullets:
- The only blemish overall was the kick coverage. I think Morgan only had one kick that wasn't either in the endzone or near it, yet still their returner had gaping holes to choose from as he jaunted toward midfield. We're lucky Morgan was there to plug it up and wrap him up a couple times. A kick return for a touchdown could've changed the mood dramatically.
- This offensive line is a joy to watch. Blackledge and Nessler made mention of their experience. But we've had experienced lines before. These guys are road graders. I guess we'll see how good they are when Alabama comes to town, but they've been a joy to watch the first three games and I think Coach Sale deserves some kudos for how clean Lambert's jersey has been.
- Sounds like the media just caught wind of Ramsey's punt last night since it happened towards the end as the clock was draining. We noticed it in the stands but tv was busy elsewhere I guess to give it much airplay. But when the timeout is called you can clearly see Ramsey mouth to the sideline "You want me to punt it?" The stories that emerged last night mostly attributed it to giving him a live rep in preparation in case he's ever needed to punt. But...you have to think it has at least an added benefit of giving opponents something else to look at.
- And what a nice punt it was!
- Malkom Parrish is a joy to watch. He has a nose for the ball and seems to embrace run defense on the edges so much I'm not sure why teams run to his side. I know I've said that before, but it deserves repeating. I won't compare him to #4, but I have a special place in my heart for defensive backs that play physical on the edges like Champ did.
- Jenkins and Floyd get a lot of the attention (and very much deserved), but Ganus and Kimbrough are earning their own mentions in the middle. The future Mrs. Ganus must've been impressed. :)
- The flags got old, did they not? I thought this crew did as good a job as they could've when the game was getting out of hand from an emotional standpoint. And the targeting call was the right call on the field, at game speed. Then the replay officials rightly overturned it. But a few other flags were excessive or questionable at best. Especially the offsides on the pooch kick.
- On the drive back the wife turned to me and asked, "So, South Carolina is really bad right?" That's a good question and my quick answer was "Yes, yes they are." So there's a word of caution there in getting too excited. I do believe Vanderbilt is better, at least defensively. And we had the added benefit of getting the Gamecocks a week after their quarterback went down. Once that Nunez kid can add some passes to his skillset, they should be much better offensively.

Still, all in all, just a masterful game. Especially for Coach Schottenheimer and his gameplan. Georgia didn't punt until late in the third and only had to face three third downs all night. I guess if you want to pick nits you could point out we only converted one of those. But really, that would be like eating a delicious steak only to complain about the steak knife needing to be sharpened.

Sunday Thoughts on returning the favor

Good God in Heaven that felt nice. A couple decades after he rubbed our noses in it, Coach Richt's team, powered by All-SEC talent and 90+ thousand fans, gives Spurrier and his gamecocks 52 things to ponder deeply over on the ride back to Columbia.

Everyone is on a different level than I've ever experienced as a Georgia fan.

- The fans, both at the game and everywhere else I encounter them, are louder and prouder. And the student section leads the way. On a night that was enjoyable from so many different angles, this might have been my favorite when the students started jumping up and down willy-brice style:

Students mocking Sandstorm. Priceless. #UGA #Dawgs

— Bernie (@BernieDawg) September 20, 2015

- The team is a unit of well-trained gridiron assassins.



- And the coaches are ahead of the game on the field.

Soon I will sit down and rewatch it. From there it will be time to come back down to Earth and focus on the fact that the season is still so young.

But for now, I think I'll spend a few more moments soaking up the scene, the wondrous red and black sights and sounds, that played out before my eyes last evening.

Go Dawgs!