Friday Misery - The Iliad of Todd Damn Gurley

gift (n) - 1. a present; 2. something given to another with little to no expectation of reciprocation; 3. a pair of socks your grandmother knitted, wrapped in tacky giftwrap, and set underneath the Christmas tree next to your brother's Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle; 4. an ability, particularly one that sets one apart from some other poor goddamn bastard.

Or...gift (adj) 1. something designed to kick you in the nads when you least expect it. As in, "That gift horse had little tiny men with spears and shit in it."

What you (don't) need to know
The Trojans of Troy AL come to town after a heart-breaking loss to some Christians from Abilene TX. Nevertheless, these tackle footballers are warriors, led by Larrinius Blakenius and his epic two-headed quarterback not to mention a sieve of a defense. Trojan beat writer Homer describes Blakenius' systemic path of destruction peace and solitude amongst his foes.

"...Its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon joy in the hearts of the Achaians hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades a locally owned Hooters strong souls of heroes and ample breasted women, but gave their bodies to be the delicate feasting of dogs, of all birds, half-cooked chicken wings and the will of Zeus Mark Emmert was accomplished."

Asked just what the hell that meant, Homer expounded...

Always thought Aphrodite was a bitch anyway
A bite of apple golden fair, and war was born
The Alabammians sharpened swords and spear,
the bitter rage of halitosis unleashed,
Yet still Knowshon he runs with angst afoot. 

Haugabook valiantly stoned condemned Palamedes,
Yeh then turned his gaze towards his concubines,
But it was Allen of Asher that made him his own Aphrodite,
Blakenius called a timeout and Willinius Martus gasped for air.

Many years passed but smoke lingered,
gathered on the tongue of Slive's master schedule,
Right Click, Cut, Paste! and battle born anew.

Achilles, after doing his hair.

In the distance, an Achaen farted his disdain.

Fat from years of conference mid-major expansion,
Spoiled of bowls of dates, olives and GoDaddys,
The Trojans packed their chariot bus with armor,
El Caminos' beds chock-full o' possum jerky.

Y'all?!? Yah they verily!

The drums beat and the storm gathered,
Memories of DeMarcus, Umenyiora, Leodis,
Elbert and DuJuan on their minds,
They would dance on these Dawgs' graves!

But oh snap went the pigskin,
Homer loosed a barbaric "Doh!"
A Trojan warrior decapitated and lifeless,
Leonard Floyd done sacked yo ass Troy!

The crowd, stunned at the grotesqueness,
Was yet entertained beyond measure,
Rose to its collective feet, roared, then
Tweeted that shit soldier boy!

With full AT&T LTE service. True dat.

Achilles, thine heel hath been named Todd Gurley.
Die in your own Alabammmmian entrails,
A Sun Belt noosed 'round thy neck, 
Unleashed these Dawgs of War.

And my World Literature teacher in high school thought I used Cliff Notes. Tsk. tsk. Let's close in prayer shall we? "Dear Lord, please protect us from Achilles' hair dryer on 3rd and long and allow our baton twirlers to sneeze hard enough to beat these menfolk of troy. Thank you and Amen."