I'm gonna divide my own SEC Preview into two parts. We'll look at the West today...and the title to this post should give you an idea of how the East should prognosticate. Speaking of which, before we begin with the western chumps....let's join together in song:
Gators...Gators...how'd ya like to bite my ass?
Ok. Here goes.
Cellar Dweller - This is pretty easy. AwwBarn is gonna be awwwful. Even if the Great Chizik experiment eventually pans out (altogether now...BWAHAHAHA!!) he's got some ground to make up. A look at the WarTiger roster is like me spending an afternoon at the museum with the six year old: a lot of questions and maybe an answer or two by the end of the trip. Lowder's most recent hire is still off the Chizzang! But for now they'll save LOTS of TP on the plains.
Potential Chicken Dinner - I'm gonna miss Croom. I really liked the way he rocked that cap to the right just enough for you to notice and left enough of the shirttail untucked so you didn't have to wonder if he had indeed indulged in the Banana Puddin' after lunch. Mullen will enjoy beating the Chizz and one other team, but MSUs season is still just a Winner Winner.
They Still Got the Groove - Ole Missy is the sexy team with the regional and national media. Everyone thinks they've got a shot at the big boys. Should Snead go down to injury I guess Eli's coming home. In Oxford they're actually trying to figure out how to take the legendary Grove to the ATL for the first time in the history of the SECCG. But methinks the regional and national media are squinting hard through a hard core pair of beer goggles. They're gonna get stuck with Nutt in red lipstick by the time this plays out.
Petrino Finishes a Season - Things are nearly as optimistic in the Ozarks. People keep saying Petrino's a fantastic coach and this could be the year he makes a move...in the standings, not residences in the middle of the season. Others say he'll win because he made a deal with the devil. I just remind them that Mallett is his QB. Even when he's not drunk he's throwing below a 50% clip. But cheer up Piggies...at least you still have Nolan's 40 Minutes of Hell...oh wait, nevermind.
Day Late and a Hat Short - LSwho will be close. In fact I could probably be convinced either way here at the top. But I'm not convinced Jefferson is good enough to win that one or two games in the season that will fall on his shoulders. Sure, I've read the lit that says their defense will be vastly improved. New DC Chavis I agree is the big hire of the off-season in the SEC (and yes, I did factor in Knutsville's village idiot). But this crew was torched last season. An improvement would be holding my old intramural team to two TDs and a FG. We still tackle in this league, right? This isn't the ACC.
Saban Keeps his Footstool - Saban rose Tuskieloosie back into the nat'l picture last season. How did he do it just one season after losing to La Monroe...at home? Well, he found a footstool so that he could yell directly into his players' earhole. Communication improved so dramatically west of the 21st century that Alabama denizens were enjoying the internets freely...until Utah pulled the plug. This season I think Bama does it the old fashioned way - with defense. Is the offense gonna suck? You can't lose a QB with that much hair and not take a step back. And after checking, there's no truth to the rumor that Joe Willie has any eligibility left.
Quinton says he doesn't understand the pre-season #5 ranking...and I agree. Looks very Sabanflated. And inflated expectations should still be dashed by two losses. For instance, right outta the gate Beamer's Hokies will give the Sabanators all they can handle and more in the Dome next weekend. But the pachysperms will find just enough yards and points to keep their defense happy. Everyone in a houndstooth cap will be ecstatic...until they get to the Dome.
For a much more coherent look at the West, try Exhile's.
If you've already finished that spreadsheet and are looking to kill some more time by checking in on the enemies, keep these links close.
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